Brigitte Bardot.


tried my hand at makin cheese omelette todae.. :p the first try was a flop, coz i din get to put in the cheese properly n fold it.. the second time, under Tri's "guidance", it looked more like an omelette than wat i had frm my first attempt.. =) so i can now sae, I NOE HOW TO MAKE CHEESE OMELETTE!!!

Tri came over in the noon.. finished watchin the show i was halfway through watchin, n den we proceeded to the kitchen tfor mi to practise my hand at the cheese omelette.. finished the eatin n washin before slackin around for awhile..

headed to J8 for dinner.. ate at the food court.. gosh.. the hotplate frm corona is like super hot.. broke out into a sweat.. guess i haven't eaten hot stuff for quite awhile. wasabi doesn't count coz i dun find it fiery hot. the tofu in terriyaki sauce frm corona is nice!! itz fried tofu covered with sweet terriyaki sauce.. though it din look as nice as in the display pic, the tofu was crispy on the outside, silky on the inside.. yum~ =) perfect.. afterall, wat reallie matters is the taste.. *sigh* the texture.. =)

doused the fire in my mouth with cold watermelon juice.. worked instantly.. den, we walked around J8. saw this nice, long, fuschia coloured skirt frm FOX. $33... feel like gettin it.. i also wan the Red Earth perfume, Free. it leaves a light shimmer to ur skin when u spray it.. so u'll smell nice n have shimmery skin. =)

we got bored n came across this craft corner, with kids doin vinyl stickers.. we went in n made one each.. itz reallie not as easy as it seems.. fillin the spaces with the liquid vinyl, itz easy to put too much of the vinyl.. colour coordination have to be gd too. the kids around us were reallie gd at it, n they were so cute!! dispensin advice, politely askin us to pass a bottle of a particular coloured vinyl, goin their own sweet way abt completin their own piece. =) sweet. Tri coloured a dinosaur vinyl, mine was flowers n butterflies. FUN!! itz these things dat we usually dun do dat gives mi simple pleasure. itz fun indulgin the kid in mi again. =) n when i look at the vinyl sticker dat i've coloured in, i feel a sense of pride!! whahahhaaa.... next time i've got nothin to do, i'll go do some more of this again.. :p n i'm pretty amazed dat the vinyl is so easily set by puttin it into the oven for awhile before dunkin it into water. nw, the onli prob is where to place it..


we were also hassled by this promoter n coerced into lookin thru their portfolio. he griped Tri's arm while tryin to persuade us.. he had his hand there for so long, i wondered if he was gay n tryin to hit on Tri.. gosh.. accordin to Tri, his grip was quite strong, thus preventin our escape.. (-_-lll den we listened to this other promoter go on n on abt their packages.. gosh.. compliments were paid (mostly to mi.. i'm not swayed) one of them asked if i was japanese, another one of those folks in need of eye checks.. when they finally let us off, Tri n i were feelin very relieved.. if i had to keep dat polite smile on for one more moment, it wld have slipped n i wld have draged Tri away.. n tryin to make it seem like i was keen on the idea of gettin a couple makeover n portfolio done was a very cheap, disgustin, useless way of tryin to get Tri to buy one of theri packages. coz...

one: i'm reallie seriously not interested. can see much better ways of wastin money than on a portfolio dat will no doubt end up as a dustcatcher at home. i'm rather practical..

two: it wun work, not on Tri, not on mi.

three: i hate dat they use mi to try pressure Tri into it. wth.. wat if he thinks i'm reallie thinkin the way they claimed i was thinkin n resented mi for it, when i'm totally innocent? i will kill them all if dat had happened.. i'm not a freakin excuse for anyone to use!!!

four: i hate it when anyone claims to noe wat i'm thinkin n put words into my mouth.

five: it was a reallie cheap, tasteless tactic. i saw right thru it. n payin all the compliments in the world to mi, wun get them anywhere, coz i'll juz mark them off as tryin to sweeten n soften up their "prey".. hmmpf!


n dat was my dae..



CaT cat purred at 11:02 PM
....................

Mi looking like a reverse panda, while tryin out the Sekisho White Mask dat my mum bought todae.. whahahhaa... this pic juz cracks mi up..


n i realise dat i have nicely shaped eyes, a high enuf nose, a well defined jawline, an okay face shape, okay cheekbones, lips with a nice bow shape.. =) n i wonder y makeup can't be as simple.. imagine, if everyone started wearin makeup dat looks like this, like u've spilled inl all over ur face, den u'll be able to accentuate all ur features, n realise dat they r actuall quite nice!! whahhhaaa..

anyway, the White Mask is supposed to be used for skin whitenin.. (-_-lll though it looks like a squid/ octopus (can't rmb which) spurted itz ink all over ur face..


~

okie.. long post ahead.. quite some activity todae..

~


woke up at 8+, after havin onli abt 4hrs+ of slp, so dat i can get ready for breakfast with my parents n grannie at the restaurant at J8, the Din Tai Fung dimsum restaurant.. the food there was alrite, but i wun recommend it coz the variety of dimsum available is very limited.. they feature mostly main courses.. well.. so much for bein famous for itz Xiao Long Tang Bao (mincemeat n soup dumpling) was quite disappointed.. but itz been a long time since we went out for breakfast like dat, so i quite enjoyed the feelin.. n.. heehee... my mum scalded herself while eatin the dumplings, coz the soup inside the dumpling was super hot n she simply put the whole dumpling into her mouth, n bit down.. poor thing.. think she doesn't quite like Xiao Long Baos after todae.. :p coz our whole table broke out laughin.. oopz.. dad scalded himself too.. onli i was smart enuf to bite open the dumpling skin to let the fillings cool first before eatin.. either i have more common sense or they were still not quite awake..


after breakfast, mum n i headed to town. i wanted to go to the library while my mum wanted to hunt down new sandals as well as the facial mask. we went to get the facial mask first at Taka.. went to the Beaute De Kose counter n we were delighted dat there were no saleagals hoverin around, tryin to talk our ear off.. as soon as dat thought popped up, so did the salesgal, who stood beside my mum. while i cld see dat she was a japanese (very pretty too!!!) i was rather apprehensive on how she's not tryin to sell the products as datz the main responsibilty of a salesgal. den i realised dat she cldn't speak chinese, n her proficiency at english was very limited.. she looked at us in the scared-rabbit sort of way, dat we din dare to ask her abt the products either.. i wondered if she'd burst into tears if we spoke slightly louder.. gee.. dat was how nervous n scared she looked. so my mum pointed to the mask, said she wanted one, n the salesgal led us to the cashier.. damn efficient, though we stumbled abit when we wondered how we shld get our pt across to her dat we wanted one of it n datz all.. (-_-lll

i think dat if i had been a guy, seein the salesgal's "scared bunny" look complete with big, lined, doe-eyes, wld have immediately put mi into the "dun worry Jane! Tarzan's here!" mode.. heehee.. :p


after we bought the mask, we shopped for my mum's sandals.. (right. basically itz my mum doin the shoppin, with mi for company, prayin dat if i see something i like, she'll buy it for mi too.. heehee..) saw this incredible olive green suede ballet pumps lined with candy pink trimmin frm Elle.. my oh my.. but itz not the design dat hooked mi, coz itz rather plain.. it was the colour combi alrite.. unique. but most of all, THE TEXTURE OF THE SUEDE!!!! MY GOSH! it was so soft!!! itz the kind of shoes dat'll never hurt ur feet no matter how long u've been wearin it, coz the material is so damn soft!! (O_O)



I WANT! I WANT!!!



n to my complete surprise, n pleasure, my mum wanted to buy it for mi!! gosh.. look out the window!! the moon is blue tonite.. hahhahaa... =) itz like NEVER do i get my mum agreein to buy mi something, juz coz i was taken with it.. gosh!! but sadly, they din have it in size 33/34.. coz 35 is still too big for mi.. left a big gap, abt the thickness of 2 fingers.. i lament dat i have such small feet.. =( though i do like them small.. but itz hell when they dun have ur size.. =(


BOO!! so disappointed.. esp after we went to Scotts Isetan n CK Tangs to look for it, besides Taka..

n my mum got 2 pairs of sandals for herself.. wth..


we also bought a pan frm Tefal at CK Tangs.. can nw practise my hand at makin omelettes n sunny-side-ups!! =)


~


met up with Tri for lunch after i've went to the library alone.. mum wanted settle her chores n went home first. went to eat at Breeks.. the beef lassagne reallie gets cloyin after awhile.. den, we went down to the basement, n watched the bridal show there.. sat right in front of the catwalk.. =) the thing was hosted by Daniel Ong frm Perfect 10. he's quite cute in person. very dynamic. Glenn Ong n Jamie Yeo was there for awhile too, to promote the Style Weddings webbie, seein dat they r in the midst of plannin their weddin.. somehow, Glenn Ong n Jamie Yeo din look like a couple.. u noe usually u can spot couples coz of some special way they seem to be linked to each other? well, i cldn't see dat link between them todae.. they make a weird picture even as frens.. (o_O)

anyway, the models were gorgeous, all high cheekbones, deep-set eyes, glowin skin, endless legs, svelte figure, chiselled features. n they had grace. =) watchin them sashay down the catwalks upclose is like "wow!!!!" (wow in this case is dragged out slowly.. as like "wa..o..ow.." the effect is:awestruck) n the gowns.. gosh!! they r made frm fairytales!! chiffons, lace, satin, all those luxurious materials dat u can name, they've got yards n yards of it!! sequins, beads, pearls, flowers.. gosh.. it was all one white. snowy. beauty!! oh manz.. i juz love weddin gowns.. they always looks utterly breath takin.. all those designs, materials, details.. *...sigh....*

yep.. n so we sat thru the catwalk..


~


Tri's at marina bay for a sec skool gatherin.. kinda sore dat he din bring mi.. he din wan to.. n yet asked if i wanna go along juz nw.. wth.. sian.. itz all a mess..


~


the mask was alrite, though it adhered very closely to the skin, n hurt abit when i peeled it off.. felt like i was peelin a layer of skin off.. (-_-lll ouch.. the sacrifices i make in the name of beauty n good skin.. gee.. (-_-lll




CaT cat purred at 11:07 PM

i have to nurse and lick, my own private hurts n wounds
CaT cat purred at 1:41 AM
....................

Whimsy


how do u make rosewater??

boil rose petals in water?? den sieve out the rose petals, keepin onli the water??


n voila!! rosewater!! (O_o)

if anyone noes, pls tell mi.. rosewater is like the latest craze among skincare items now.. n since itz been around since in the past, i reckon ppl back in those daes made them somehow, out of their own gardens n kitchens, rather than runnin to cosmetics counters to buy them..

coz there were no darn cosmetics counters back den.. (-_-lll

n of coz homemade stuff will always be more natural, than wateva u can buy outside..


so, anyone noes??!!

right.. n i've always wondered, how come the roses dat they sell at the florist doesn't smell of anything at all?? esp when roses r reputed to have a heady scent.. those i've seen growin up in the mountains sure perfumed the air around it. so how come we dun get any of dat in singapore? at the florists?? =(


been checkin out homemade recipes for facials n various types of skincare.. if i can juz make it my life's research..
CaT cat purred at 10:16 PM
....................

The Secret Of Silence


i realised dat ppl with irritatin voices like to talk alot.. n they do so get on everyone's nerves..

n i do so like to brood by myself when there's somethin botherin mi.. turn it over n over in my head, considerin all itz edges n angles, til i'm tired of it n leave it alone.. dat does not mean dat i'm over it though..


speakin of angles.. i've come across quite a number of ppl who spell "angel" as "angle".. (-_-lll it irks the hell out of mi..

dinner was at Lemongrass Restaurant at Heeren, with mi tryin to will my unhappiness into a blank, while Tri n Kenneth ate. was unhappie. n i guess i took it out on myself by deliberately refusin to eat anything.. had somewhere else in mind, but dun wanna impose my wishes on them.. dat doesn't mean i can't be unhappie though. they were quite oblivious anyway, despite noein i was unhappie. ugh.. how come they dun settle on where i wanna go as the 2nd choice when their first choice was out? how come they settled for somethin dat was previously not in the choices at all? i dun wanna tell them dat i'll rather go where i wanna go coz i noe they r not reallie keen on it, n if i sae, they'll juz agree with mi. i'll feel like i was the hassle if dat was the case. but can't he be sensitive enuf to noe dat i wanna go there, i've been mentionin it for ages.. i juz dun wanna impose it on them. damn it.


i reallie, reallie, reallie, wanna go.. haiz..


ANYONE WANNA EAT AT SEOUL GARDEN???!!!!!

CaT cat purred at 11:59 PM
....................

right.. mira, i think u'll get a kick out of this one too.. :p


as u can see, we were tryin to pull off the pissed-look.. apparently, i did quite well at glarin at the hp, n manda did quite well at lookin prettily, mischieviously, naughty.. ugh..either i'm damn good at pullin off moods n faces at a moment's notice or..... oh hell..


right.. anyway, i definitely look fiercer than dat when i'm seriously angry.. manda can vouch. n if u feel like laughin/ chuckling, or wateva involves feelin amused, when u see this pic, the amusement is gonna evaporate even before u r concious of bein amused, when u see how i am, angry.. i scare myself even.. :p


n i notice dat my nose n manda's is dramatically diferent when viewed in profile..


scrambled 3 eggs for breakfast.. highly unhealthy but... heehee.. guzzled down loads of water.. had itchy hands.. quite a boring dae.. considerin dat i haven't whined abt Tri-withdrawal syndrome, i'm holdin up quite well not seein him for a dae..


n...



YIPPEE!!!! I HAVE MIRA'S SMS IN MY INBOX!!!!!!!! can't help the bubbling euphoria, coz she's been my bestie since pri 3!! (manda, dun get jealous.. hahaha..) n she's so far far far away.. =) n she msged mi!! heehee..

as ppl who noe mi well wld noe, i'm pathetically, sappily, sentimental.. i keep smses dat i find meaningful.. til my hp is chock full of them.. n i refuse to change my hp, so dat i can keep the msges.. :p
CaT cat purred at 10:21 PM

oh gosh.

oh gosh.

OH GOSH!!!!


I HAVE MIRA'S HP NO.!!!!!!! =)

CaT cat purred at 12:46 AM
....................

this is the nicest pic (i think) out of the few pics dat i took with Manda on Saturday.. =)


i seem to look like snow white beside her.. (-_-lll

n i think manda have come-hither eyes.. heehee...

n i hate dat i have double eyelids dat r so inner, i look like i have none.. =(
CaT cat purred at 10:34 PM

another one..


right.. i noe i'm damn unphotogenic.. =( focus on manda den.. gee..


i hope bein unphotogenic means i look gd in person n juz not in pics.. afterall bein photogenic means u look gd in pics, no? heehee.. :p


self-denial is unbecoming..
CaT cat purred at 10:32 PM

right.. this is the hamster face pic dat dearest MIRA tagged abt.. :p all i did was to scrunch up my face.. n she very kindly told mi dat doin dat for too long a time will cause the face to get stuck dat way.. n to think i onli thought it'll cause wrinkles n fine lines.. (-_-lll



lesson learnt: when ppl ask u to make funny faces for the camera, DUN be a gd sport n make urself look hilarious unless u r sure u can look gd at the same time..(-_-lll take a cue frm manda.. do something suitably pretty n yet oh-so-kawaii.. DO NOT, i i repeat again for gd measure, DO NOT take a leaf out of my book n make urself look puffy faced n horrid.. (x_x)



feel like i haven't been livin healthily these 2 daes.. water consumption falls sorely short of 8 glasses per dae, n i ate alot of unhealthy food.. gee.. feel so guilty.. n those food makes mi feel sorta sick after.. like i'm gonna barf. they juz dun sit right in my stomach.. either i'm turnin bulimic or my body's decided to eat healthy for the rest of my life, n my brain's still tryin to catch up..


met up with Tri todae too.. he's been sweet these 2 daes.. =)


CaT cat purred at 10:28 PM
....................

Under The Skin And Into The...


went over to Tri's house todae before headin down to Cine to watch Hide And Seek with Tri todae. not a bad show.. shall not spoil it for anyone wantin to watch it. the cinema was amazingly packed todae.. tot it was a skooldae.. so how come i saw lots of students?? (x_x)

nothin much to sae, except maybe dat i've been feelin tired when i wake up these few daes.. like my eyelids were too heavy, n as if i haven't reallie slpt.. boo.. been feelin easily tired too, though i'll account dat to the lacklustre quality of slp i've been havin.. i wan my deep slp n boundless energy back!


Tri, if u r readin, pls leave a tag to show u've been here.. :p





CaT cat purred at 10:39 PM
....................

Life Sized Chess

went to Ngee Ann Poly this noon to attend a chess competition with Tri.. his bestie, Kenneth, signed up for it, n Tri wanted to enter the com usin Kenneth's fren's id.. unfortunately, when we got to the venue, registration was closed, n so Tri din get to play. watched Kenneth play before the 3 of us headed off to the pool place nearby n they played pool while i read.. ate at the indian restaurant opp the pool place.. am stuffed to the gills.. took a bus home, with Tri accompanyin mi..


manda, i muz sae, i somehow prefer RP's campus, coz itz newer, despite being small.

so tired..
CaT cat purred at 10:52 PM
....................

why do i get it broken, onli to piece it together again, broken again, piece it again

until i can't piece it together anymore. itz so fragmented, how to? the pieces get smaller each time, how to? how is it possible?

n den, juz when i tot there's nothin to break anymore, i hear one more shatter. n i learn dat though it can't be pieced together anymore, it can still break. n the pain onli gets more intense.

CaT cat purred at 11:42 PM

Love Will Tear Us Apart.


love breaks and love divides
love laughs and love can make you cry
i can't believe the ways
that love can give
and love can take away

(extracted frm Love Gives Love Takes by The Corrs)


how true.. the line between love and hate is a thin one afterall.. n if u love someone the wrong way, it'll eventually drive u apart. dunnoe if this is happenin, dun wan to think abt it. anymore.
CaT cat purred at 10:30 PM

i think ppl who r upset will ask themselves the reason y they shld forgive, rite?


i think ppl who r upset will ask the person they r upset with, y they shld forgive, rite?


i think ppl who r upset will ask the person they r upset with to prove y they can n shld be forgiven, rite?


tell mi if datz how it works.. coz i reallie wan to do the right thing. i dun wan to assume dat other ppl think itz done this way too..

coz i think dat i'm lettin things juz brush past, without the person payin a price for hurtin. i tend to forgive as soon as i think the person is sorry. but i dun noe how sorry they reallie r abt hurtin mi. n becoz i do dat, they dun think dat i hurt, coz i forgive readily, too readily. n so they dun realise how much they've hurt mi, n they dun take it to heart, n they forget, n do it all again. so mayb, i shld exact a price for the person's redemption in my eyes. not material price of coz.. but juz for dat person to show dat he truly wans forgiveness, n to learn dat when u hurt someone, there is a price to pay. coz i'm learnin dat if u juz give it, ppl take it for granted, n trample on it without a thought to how precious ur unconditional forgiveness is. n den they hurt u all over again. so i'm thinkin, i shld make them show it, work for it, earn it? coz ppl onli treasure wat they've worked for n earned.. n if they dun work for it n earn it, it shows dat they r unwillin to make the effort, rite? n unworthy of forgiveness, rite?

itz not too much, too unreasonable, is it? dat forgiveness shld be worked for, earned?

is it normal? is it too much? too unreasonable? is it done?

i reallie need to noe..
CaT cat purred at 3:01 AM

this is the pic dat shld be shown below..



CaT cat purred at 12:49 AM
....................

You Didn't Want Me.


how to not take it personally when this is the case?


~


went to RP todae to meet manda.. open house at RP.. went to scope out someone for her.. not bad.. =) n i think there's a pretty gd chance. gd for u! so anyway, manda, i din see anyone droppin dead, go slack jaw-ed, or faint or act smitten when i walked into the lab.. haha.. sorie to disappoint u.. all i heard was an erruption of giggles coz The Best Fren is finally here to check things (or.. ahem.. person) for u.. :p guess u held too little faith in the smitten-at-first-glance factor of the guys in ur class.. (-_-lll they've obviously got high immunity.. or mayb i'm juz not as attractive as u seem to think i am? haha..


watched Constantine again, with manda.. mayb coz i was darn angry den, it din seem so bland todae..


~


manda, i'm scared to ask u to go for it.. coz i've learnt dat itz better to take it slow n reallie noe wat u r gettin into, with whom.. i've learnt dat itz reallie impt to noe how the person is like.. guess i somehow feel guilty for all the times when i encouraged u, onli to have things work out badly for u.. i've learnt frm both ur experiences n mine. while itz nv gd to complicate things, itz always gd to noe dat things r nv simple as we'll like to think they r.. so, watch n see.. though i think things r lookin pretty positive.. =)


~


had a gd time with manda todae, though i was upset abt something at one pt.. she said she's nv seen mi so angry before, nv seen the murderous look in my eyes before, as though i'm capable of incineratin someone with juz one glare.. welcome to the darker side. i keep a tight rein most of the time, but wat revolves around this person always makes my feelings go to the extreme.

extreme bliss.

extreme pain.

extreme anger..


extremities dat r dangerous.. not holdin back, givin it all is dangerous. coz when itz all gone, u r left with nothing.

nothing at all.
CaT cat purred at 11:53 PM
....................

went to watch Seoul Raiders with Bunny todae.. finally met up with him, since mon.. guess i can sae he's been busy.. :p


definitely enjoyed Seoul Raiders more than Constantine.. the dialogue was quick n witty.. n though the plot is rather typical, it was still more interestin.. Constantine juz appeared more bland in comparison.. n Tony Leung was like so suave in the movie, oozin charm as a dapper ways as usual.. *sighz* n Shu Qi.. well.. another piece of eye candy in this show.. n i'm not saein this in the derogatory sense.. =) she is like "WOW".. n i think i reallie have a penchant for slick fightin moves.

saw the trailer for xXx2 (Triple X 2, not some weird porn-ish show.. -_-lll) they've changed Vin Diesel to some dumb lookin guy.. ugh.. i'm so not gonna watch it coz the new guy doesn't fit the image of someone livin dangerously on the edge.. he looks like a block of wood.. serious.. Bunny said he wanted to watch Son of The Mask.. n i picked out a movie too.. some Hong Kong production featurin Twins (Charlene Choi n Gillian Chung), Stephen Fung (Feng De Lun) n Daniel Wu (Wu Yan Zu). it looked funnie.. =) n i've realised dat i prefer watchin light-hearted comedies most.

guess i'm gonna meet manda tmr.. can't sae i'm lookin forward to spendin money.. MANDA!! EVERYTIME I GO OUT WITH U, I SEEM TO END UP SPENDIN MONEY DAT I CLD HAVE OTHERWISE SAVED!! WO PA LE NI LE.. (-_-lll hmmz.. can i try to squiggle out of the Hagan Daz choc fondue thingy.. pretty please.. i wanna declare myself broke!! no wonder i like stayin at home these daes.. not onli do i not have to put on make-up, thus lettin my skin rest, i can save money!! $10 allowance per dae, $50 a week.. not onli do i not spend, i also get to accumulate the money saved with the allowance dat i receive daily!! heehee.. i'm gettin to be so tight-fisted these daes when it comes to money.. but savin is a virtue rite? :p

quite tired.. slpt for onli 4+ hrs last nite.. chatted with manda frm abt 1+ til 4.40am.. (-_-lll woke up at 9am, coz Bunny comin over.. argh... i'm amazed dat i was actually quite alert n chirpy throughout todae. woke up to see my eyes rimmed like a panda though.. thank god make-up work wonders.. n i realised dat my ear hurts after i've held a phone to it for too long..

had fun todae.. thanx Bunny. =)

CaT cat purred at 11:25 PM
....................

Love Is A Hunger


a hunger for more, a hunger for something better, dat the person can give u, as well as wat u can give the person u love..

dun ever tell mi to go. wat i'm hopin for, is for u to try ur best to let mi stay. n if i reallie matter to u, surely u wun wan mi to go.. i wan to stay, n i need reasons to. n if i am to love, den being loved back is as important to mi as air. my tears r not wasted, as long as we love. n i juz wan to be loved back equally. is it so hard?

why?

CaT cat purred at 10:18 PM
....................

Reason

The heart has it's reasons, of which reason know nothing of.



i've hit upon a reaslisation todae.. n dat, my fren was rite. i'm dissatisfied, unfulfilled. emotionally, somehow, wat i have isnt' enough for mi. i wan more than i have. i dun think i'm bein greedy. i juz have my expectations, n those aren't too high either. i believe dat wat is written in books, love, passion, devotion, r all real, n all very possible. n dat with the right person, i can have all of those, n not be found lackin, wantin.. n it brings to mine. the right person??

n i realised dat i resent. n is buildin on the resentment. itz not dat i dun love, but i'm not sure if i love enough, in the right way. wat is the right way? the right way to mi, is to be able to fulfill, to give wat is needed n wanted. am i doin dat? or am i juz givin wat i personally think is needed, wanted. n i'm scared of the resentment in mi, wat it can mean, n wat it might bring. resentment is an ugly emotion, n it can onli bear fruit to more ugliness, juz like jealousy. no gd thing can come out of it. n yet, i have this ugly emotion trapped inside mi, growin. i need an emotional detox. before it taints mi n my heart, n lash out to hurt.

how do i deal with all these? the dissatisfaction n the resentment. to move on, find another for fulfilment? to seek it within myself? to hold on n settle for less? the resentment? to not expect? to juz take wat is given? to move on? how?

i dun wan to be tainted, nor hurt. hurtin myself is alrite, i fear hurtin others. movin on seems viable.. mayb my heart's slowly dyin.. was it meant to be so? the carelessness.. maybe datz watz wanted, a release. i feel like the prison, n the prisoner. maybe hope is startin to reallie die n fade out..
CaT cat purred at 10:22 PM
....................

Valentine.. datz wat i named this turtle.. abit unimaginative maybe.. but still, a romantic name for a stuffed turtle..



n here's the front view.. =) ain't he cute with those innocent round eyes?? heehee..


my dad woke up todae n asked to see my flowers.. BUT I HAVE NO FLOWERS!! (-_-lll



no daddy, no mummy, no grannie.. i have no flowers to show coz i din receive any.. =( *shakes head morosely*


den my dad had to rub salt in the wound further by excitedly rushin into his rm to show mi the rose he bought for my mum.. =( *slips into serious depression*


tadaa!!

it was nicely wrapped, a single stalk of red rose, with twigs bent into a heart behind the rose.. wth!! so romantic!! envious.. n my mum told mi dat my dad placed it beside her while she was slpin, n she woke up to find it there on their bed.. if dat isn't called romance, i dunnoe wat is.. this is the kind of gd old-fashioned romance i'm talkin abt n yearnin for! guys! sit up, take note, n learn! even when my mum had already told my dad dat if he was goin to buy her flowers, she'll rather he give her the money for the flowers, my dad still bought her flowers n surprised her with it! who can resist such sweet gestures.. itz not the flowers dat counts, but the sentiment, thought n effort behind it.. the sheer romance.. the wantin to please.. my dad ought to give Bunny a few lessons on romance.. haiz..

i mean, i like valentine (the turtle), but for v-dae, i hope to be thrilled, surprised, romanced, wateva smacks of romance, sweet gestures.. dat something special, datz absent on usual daes, on usual dates.. the special something more, something extra.. u noe how they talk abt goin the extra mile? i wan to see dat.. a concious effort to please, to romance, to sweep mi off my feet all over again. i wan the effort. haiz.. it doesn't have to be v-dae of coz, for all dat, but if even on v-dae, i dun get dat, den when will i?

n my parents have been married for 20+ yrs.. n they r still keepin the romance alive.. mi? i shall not comment.. it wld be too brutal..


haiz...

n i'm still itchin all over.. some areas r swollen frm all the scratchin n all.. wth.. n i have a mild breakout (a breakout, no matter how mild, is still a breakout, n somethin to be upset over), as well as a suddenly delicate n sensitive digestive system to boot..


haiz..

CaT cat purred at 10:51 PM

itz springtime n wat do we get??


no.. no prettily flutterin butterflies


yes! datz it! irritatin blood-suckin mozzies..


*scowls*


i see no absolutel use for mozzies.. n i muz sae there muz be lotsa pregnant ones around, judgin by the no of mozzie bites on mi.. i muz reallie rank rather high on their snack list.. (-_-lll as well as the contributors for fresh blood for their offsprings.. darn.

right.. i can see the use of spiders, to catch bugs n eat them.. i can see the uses of lizards, to catch bugs n eat them. i can see no use for mozzies, except get eaten by spiders n lizards, n provide target practice.. n we dun even need mozzies to provide food in the foodchain! there r those harmless fruit flies out there rite?! they r not exclusively for bats rite?! so y do we need bloodsuckin mozzies around?! they r redundant.. do u think they suck ur blood, inject toxin, n ur body will generate new blood to neutralise the toxins n u get more fresh blood runnin in ur veins? i dun think so..

my wish din come true.. i din see dead-mozzie scattered floors.. =( n i still itch..
CaT cat purred at 1:05 PM
....................

Her Valentine

i've gotta sae, though the little red dragon is cute, my valentine is cuter.. =)


woke up, dressed up, n headed down to J8 to get a cakie frm Mrs Fields for him.. made a small card for hims last nite too..phew.. close shave.. reallie had no idea wat to get..

met him at orchard mrt.. he seemed to pop out of nowhere to materialise in front of mi.. =) thrilled..huggin him juz felt so natural, so right somehow.. no particular heart trips or wat.. juz a sense dat everything is right n normal again..but nw, thinkin of him, my heartbeats will quicken, n i'll smile.. he gave mi this little turtle soft toy key chain.. very cute.. =) i like it, though i cldn't help but hope for roses.. call mi an old-fashioned gal, but old-fashioned romance works best for mi.. =) forget different, forget unique, there's nothin sweeter than flowers given by the bf.. :p

well, no flowers.. n everywhere i looked, i see bouquets of all sizes.. sigh.. anyway, we headed down to Cine for lunch at Suki Sushi.. din reallie enjoy the food or the service todae.. the place was packed n the service rather slow in comin.. guess they can't help dat they r understaffed.. think the ppl also quite poor thing, rushin to n fro at all times.. checked out the movie timings at CIne n realised they weren't screenin Constantine nor Seoul Raiders. (-_-lll so we headed down to bugis to catch the shows..

watched Constantine.. quite okie.. Keanu Reeves is gorgeous, Rachel Weiz lovely, the plot alrite.. nothin to rave abt, but passable.. lookin forward to Seoul Raiders..


still feel guilty abt cancellin out on Yuling.. though she saes itz alrite with her, i still dun feel gd abt it.. hate cancellin out on ppl.. haiz..

so, as u can see, my valentine's dae was nothing of the ordinary, nothing too romantic.. no sweepin gestures, juz normal. feels like any other normal date loh.. but wat can i sae? can't expect too much, settle for wat i have n be happie.. n at least he's here rite? hmm.. can't sae i dun care for romance n sweepin gestures, but well, i can make do without them if i have to.. a teensy tinge of disappointment, but den dat will mean i'm puttin too much stock of valentine's dae.. itz commercialised.. i shld keep dat in mind.


lowpt of the dae.. woke up with mosquito bites all over my legs, arms, neck n even face.. ugh.. watz with the sudden onslaught of mosquitoes?! 16 mosquito bites in all!! on my neck, behind the ear, on my knuckle, at my eyebrow.. all sorts of weird places.. woke up scratchin myself.. darn.. i hope i wake up tmr to find dead mosquitoes scattered all over the world.. phenomenon: sudden extinction of mosquitoes.. whahhaa.. dat will be nice.. =)


hmm..Happie Valentine's Dae to all.. =)



CaT cat purred at 11:22 PM
....................

this is a pic taken when i was in my fren, mandy's, shop todae.. =) she wanted to take a pic of mi with her new phone.. n i got her to mms it to mi.. she saes i'm photogenic.. hmm.. wonder how true is dat coz i dun think i am.. nice?


went huntin for pressies, as well as to borrow bks frm the library todae.. saw fiona n her bf, xuanang.. she's lookin reallie well!! gosh.. figure to die for.. envious.. n the 2 of them looked reallie happie n sweet.. gosh.. she was radiant!! =) well.. no luck in the pressie department for mi.. din see anything dat i think he'll like.. sian.. nw gettin anxious abt his pressie..WAT TO GET??!! (pullin hair out, strand by strand in a crazed fashion) die le lah.. nothin to give him.. how??!!! (o_O) panic mode..


on observation todae.. i expected crowds in town.. big, humongous crowds.. but there were none to be seen.. i tot dat since tmr was V-dae, ppl will be millin abt.. well seems i guessed wrong.. mayb tmr..


came home, had dinner, before accompanyin my mum to my cousin's house in yishun to collect my dad's hp.. my cousin fixed it for him coz the on/off button wun work.. chatted with my cousin-in-law.. she's reallie nice.. =) but so poor thing, alone at home everydae coz she's expectin n juz lost her job.. nw waitin for her baby in May, n she's found a temporary job.. gd for her.. n i feel dat my cousin is lucky to have found her for his wife.


okie.. nw for the news dat i've been burstin to announce..


HE'S BACK!!!!!! whahahhaaaa... =)

so happie!!!!! =) yay!!! he called mi on my hp when i was on my way to my cousin's house n i tot he was callin frm China coz he said the plane for todae was full.. den when i got home, i saw his email tellin mi to meet him tmr at orchard mrt, saein he'll be there.. datz when i realised dat he's back.. =) so sweet!! happie!! i'm like grinnin like an idiot nw.. n i kept bargin into my mum's rm to announce dat he's back.. whahahaa.. my mum b bro r sick of mi le.. =) but i dun care.. if i can, i'll like go to the rooftop n shout

"HE'S BACK!!!!" =) heehee..

i'm so happie, i wanna let the whole world noe!! (not dat they'll appreciate it. havin a mad person screamin on their rooftops, they'll sooner call the police than be happie for mi..) :p n no, i'm not dreamin.. i haven't finally lost it.. he's reallie back!! =)


n since he's back, dat explains my panic as to not havin a gift for him.. (-_-lll die.. tmr muz wake up extra early n go shop for something.. mayb i can whip up somethin handmade too...

wat abt yuling?

die le.. zhe me ban??!!! (wat to do??!!!)


ans: wo zhen de bu zhi dao!! (i reallie dun noe!!)


whahhaaa... crazy.. i'm happily, blissfully nutz.. =)


but i'm still happie.. =)

everything is right in the world, as long as he's back here. =)



CaT cat purred at 10:09 PM
....................

A pic frm the Chanel ad featurin Nicole Kidman.. wistfully beautiful.


i have a date for v-dae.. with Yuling, my ex-colleague.. goin for dinner together, n mayb a spot of retail therapy.. gotta find somethin for Bunny, u gotta find something for her bf's bdae. n y is she spendin vdae with mi when she has a bf? no, he's not a florist.. :p he's servin ns.. so we shall have a Gals' Nite Out..

how nice.. when i've resigned myself to languishin at home on mon.. wat an lovely surprise.. =)


YAY!! HE REPLIED 2 EMAILS FRM MI TODAE!!! n i think he's gonna be back soon.. thank god.. if he doesn't come back soon, i'll ask my bro to hand mi a knife so i can stab myself n die.. (-_-lll



My life is like a bland non-existence without you around.


CaT cat purred at 10:26 PM
....................

A Coldness Night.


i think i'm havin a mild panic attack.. my hands feel weak, n r shakin.. i feel kinda light-headed.. my heart's beatin too fast.. either dat, or i'm in withdrawal.. Bunny-withdrawal..

or mayb i'm hungry.. but i think dat if i eat, it'll be comfort eatin.. =(


i think i'll have a mild panic attack whenever i'm late in gettin online at nite.. no idea y.. a growin dependency on the com's ability to keep mi occupied maybe.. for the past 2 daes, i can't wait to get home at a time when i start missin my com, n start feelin panicky n slightly nauseous..


i've been lookin at the neoprint we'd taken again.. i miss him alot. n though itz gettin to be a tired routine, sayin dat i miss him everydae, i still gotta sae it. coz havin it out makes it easier to deal with. itz almost like i can deposit my feelins here in this post, n be relieved of it for awhile..

haiz..

i feel like i'm gonna die any moment.. someone pls rip out my heart..


CaT cat purred at 11:05 PM

this is gettin seriously bad.. i'm gettin worried for myself..


y do i feel down n on the verge of tears juz frm listenin to songs?



u need to come back soon.. fast.. =( how much longer can i last?



i need u back here... pls be back..
CaT cat purred at 5:14 PM

why did ppl come up with different words dat actually means the same?



or do they reallie mean the same?



which is a shortest length of time?

forever?

eternity?

as long as time?

everlasting?

for all time?



do they mean the same? do they all indicate the same length of time? how long is the length anyway? how do u measure it?



wat is meant by "forever"?



CaT cat purred at 1:10 PM

woke up feelin strangely depressed. empty. wonder if itz the fatigue, or is it dat i'm in withdrawal again..

when will he finally be back?


CaT cat purred at 10:34 AM

The Funeral Portrait.

not keepin in the CNY mood. doesn't this pic looks fetchin?? i think 2 little girls posin juz like dat, for their funeral pics, will look juz as fetchin. coz in my mind, i'm devisin countless ways to kill 2 insolent brats, in the guise of little girls.



came home livid. on my way home frm my aunt's house, my dad CASUALLY let slip dat i'll need to tidy up my bed coz 2 TWATS THRASHED IT!! apparently some relative dat visit us once in a purple moon visited us todae, of all daes, when i was out. nof coz they brought their "adorable" kids along. n the 2 "girls" (r u sure they r girls? the whole sugar, spice n everything nice? coz i dun think so) they have thrashed my bed. they cuddled with the soft toys Bunny gave mi n jumped around my bed, messin it up. they broke this memento thing dat i put together out of a few mementoes. my baby pillow n bolster dat i've treasured over the yrs were delegated to reside in a corner of my rm, under my bed. the corner dat is the dirtiest, dustiest.

upon seein my rm, i gathered everything up n stripped my bed of itz bedclothes.. i'm not gonna slp when someone have come along n deposited all their FILTH on it. NO FUCKIN WAY! even my dad gets the frown when he sits on my bed, n i return home to find dat havin onli not been around for a few hours, some BRATS came along n messed it all up?! wat were their parents thinkin? lettin their kids run loose in other ppl's house like dat?! is it so difficult to take their kids on hand?! do they noe they r not supposed to enter other ppl's rms unless they have the person's express permission?! is dat concept so freakin hard to grasp??!!! watz wrong with them! n not to mention touchin other ppl's stuff.. i juz wanna chop off their hands n legs n mince them into tiny pieces n feed them to the dogs! n one of them have the audacity to sae they like the Pooh dat Bunny gave mi for V-dae last yr? WELL, TOO FREAKIN BAD!! COZ U WUN HAVE IT. U R NOT GONNA BRING IT HOME, U R NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO LAY UR FILTHY PAWS ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!! like it?? well, all u can have to bring home with u, if i were at home, n u touched my stuff, is 2 tight slaps on ur face for touchin them. ditto for bouncin on my bed. i hoped they bounce so hard, they knock their thick skulls against the metal above my bed, n turn stupid. but dat'll be hard coz they already are.

if i were at home, they wun even get to beyond the first milimetre of my rm. i'll give a whole new meanin to "show them the door". they get it slammed in their tiny ooooh-soo-"adorable", bratty, devilish faces. i'm gonna make a copy of my rm's key for my bro. frm nw onwards, as long as i'm out, n my bro isn't in, the door will be locked. n parents ought to take their kids in hand better. keep them with u, n not leave them to rampage around other ppl's houses. itz not done. "make urselves at home" means u make urself comfortable n u dun thrash the house, coz u freakin wun thrash ur own house either.

itz like a rape. u think i'm over-reactin? but try havin ur rm thrashed. u wun feel any better than mi. u jump on my bed? bounce? no prob. but u damn well dun mess it up, n leave the mess behind for mi to clear. n datz not all. the onli reason dat the soft toys Bunny bought mi r on my bed is coz i treasure them, n keepin them on my bed keeps them dustless n safe for preyin hands. it for mi, n mi alone. everyone else keep ur paws off unless i sae so. n i come home to find them all thrown over the bed? oh pls. i'll noe if someone touched them coz i have a specific arrangement for them on my bed. u touch the things i bought? ya, i might be pissed, but i wun mind as much as u touchin things dat have been given to mi by the ppl i love. n i love him so damn much, i treasure esp everything dat he gives mi. u touch it? i'll take u down n u wun noe wat the hell happened to u.

i'm still thinkin of ways to kill them. n i can't count on my parents to keep my rm UNINVADED. my bro wans to kill the 2 brats. i wan more than dat. i wan to torture them slow n let them die a slow, excruciatin death.



oh.. i'm fine with kids, no problemo.. but i hate kids who r not taken in hand n can't keep manners in their puny brains. if their parents need someone to take their kids in hand, mayb i can help. i can give the kids a CRASH course on manners n basic courtesy (pain is a prerequisite). n i have no problems with ppl comin into my rm to relax, but i'm proprietal, territorial n will damn well take out anyone who breaches the rules i've laid down for my rm.. u wann be in here? u damn well act as i deem fit. itz MY rm, so MY dictates counts. urs dun.


~


visited an old fren todae.. highly entertainin.. =) gd company.. but at one pt i felt like i shld have been dressed as a nurse, instead of lookin like a pri skool teacher in my clothes (an opinion abt todae's clothes dat my relactives n i share).. but i felt like i was sorta a hindrance.. (-_-lll n i'm not gd company..


~ had 2 glasses of wine at my aunt's house.. not even enuf to get mi more chatty of coz.. was pullin for more but.. oh well..


thank god my mum din tell mi abt my rm's thrashin while i was there.




CaT cat purred at 1:06 AM
....................

since i dun have anything festive, there'll be no pics for todae either..
tired..

house visitation was alrite.. went to my nanny's house!! =) haven't seen her for quite awhile.. when Bunny's back, i shall bring him over to show her. afterall, she's like my 2nd mum.. =) heard her relative saein she's got a real knack for bringin kids up, coz all the kids turn out obedient n nice, n watz more, they enjoy goin to her house.. heehee.. of coz!! she treat us like her own kids, mayb even better? n she shows meticulous care for our well-bein, either physical or emotional.. n she makes sure we do our best in our studies n stuff. did i mention she's very supportive too? =) think it was my gd fortune to be taken care of by her instead of bein sent to a childcare centre, when i was a kid.

dinner at my 3rd uncle's house was absolutely sumptous.. everyone were stuffed to the gills with gd food.. he's a fantastic cook, n makes a reak effort out of cookin for us.. itz alot of work, n i guess the best thanks we can give him is to show how much we enjoy the meal dat he'd prepared.. =)

think tmr will be spent watchin tv at home.. done with all the obligatory visitations.. anyone wanna invite mi to their house?? heehee.. dinner will be at my aunt's house in woodlands..
gotta go shower.. den can relax n zzzz.....



i miss you...



CaT cat purred at 11:10 PM

can't find any pics pertainin to CNY, so no pic for the dae.


XING NIAN KUAI LE, WAN SHI RU YI to one n all!! =)


well.. it wasn't so bad.. todae, guess i was gettin into the festive mood, n so got on fine with my younger cousins.. joked n laughed alot, more so than ever. i think to them, i'm mercurial, approachable n funny one moment, cold n aloof the next. but todae was fun.

for the first time, we had 2 dinin tables in the house, to accomodate everyone, n even dat wasn't enuf to fit all.. (-_-lll we have our new member of the family, my cousin-in-law!! =) though i din talk to her at all, quite happie dat her pregnancy is gettin along well.. steamboat dinner was a big noisy affair, n i had the gd fortune of bein seated rite in front of the sliced abalone.. whahahhaaa.. think i ate the most abalone in the family.. hhmm.. strategic spot.. :p i din pick it though, so it wasn't a deliberate manoeuvrerin on my part.

after dinner, we "kids" went down to the new playground behind my house, to play with sparklers.. though i dun see much sense in standin around holdin sparklers dat burn with a horrid smellin smoke, it was pretty to watch, n a sort of tradition at home.. den, they played catchin, n all got roped in to play A-E-I-O-U.. (-_-lll yes.. even my 21 yr old cousin was playin.. hahaha.. n i think i have a pretty gd poker face..

when all my relatives have gone home, at abt 10+, my parents set out to clean the house, sweepin n moppin, while my grannie washed up in the kitchen n put out a new tablecloth.. after i took a shower, i helped arrange the candies dat my grannie bought, on a tray. the yuan baos (ingots) r put rite in the middle of the sectioned plate, n looks quite cute.. my dad was tickled upon seein them..

tmr i'll look like mi in Cyndi's outfit in Ai Ni mtv crossed with pink panther.. my elder cousin, Maggie, think the outfit is nice though.. mayb i can snap a pic of it tmr.. n den u guys can laugh urselves silly at seein a very pink mi.. (-_-lll dinner tmr nite will be at my 3rd uncle's house.. think there wld be wine, n lotsa gd food, coz he sure can cook.. =)


have to get up tmr at 8+ to get ready for visitin.. not sure wat i'll do with my overgrown hair.. not lookin forward to slappin on make-up.. but oh well.. itz once a yr..




PS: i realised the rates for angbao money seem to have fallen this yr.. =(


CaT cat purred at 1:12 AM
....................

HE REPLIED MY EMAIL!!! YAY!!! N I CAUGHT HIM ON MSN TOO!! N WE CHATTED FOR AWHILE.. =)

itz snowin in China nw..

went to j8 to buy mascara.. saw lots of sec skool students, as well as jc students.. lotsa eye-candy.. heehee.. but all the ppl juz made mi feel more alone than ever. wat with all the couples n grps of frens millin around mi, whille i was all alone. a gd reminder y i shld stay at home in v-dae n hide out.. (-_-lll

wonder y no one thought of goin back to amkss todae.. guess everyone's busy with skool or work.. n itz not like i'll reallie go back if someone asked.. most prob i wun..


have a bout of sniffles comin up again.. =( thanx to slpless nites n late mornings.. i shall drown myself in galleons of water if datz it'll take to get rid of the heatiness in mi..


can't sae i'm lookin forward to the reunion dinner tonite.. noise.. havin to be nice n accomodatin.. a chore.. but i guess datz wat sparks off the festive atmosphere.. oh well.. if there's ever a chance, i'll wish to be able to bring him along for my family's reunion dinner.. i have this mental list of things dat i wanna share with him, n i'm still in the midst of checkin them off..


v-dae- checked

christmas- checked.


but there r still loads more..



right.. shall update tonite abt the reunion dinner.. if i haven't passed out frm the noise dat is..







*this blog is meant for mi to vent, to record watz goin on in my mind, my life. itz an outlet for mi, so dat i can get stuff out of my system, get rid of the emotional baggage. itz advisable not to read too much into wat i write. coz itz meant for mi.



CaT cat purred at 5:07 PM
....................

Chinese New Year happenings at the Tan's residence.


-my grannie almost burnt down the kitchen.

-the above mentioned act was due to the yam cakes dat my grannie was steamin over a charcoal pit in the kitchen.

-the newspapers under the tile beneath the pit blew over by the wind n caught fire.

-grannie managed to beat out the fire, but left a big square of ashes on the floor around the pit

-itz all been cleaned up.

-i've torn a piece of skin frm my face due to itchy hands

-i'm scarred... -_-lll due to horrible zits.

-manda n i realised dat "pimple" is more evil soundin than "zits".

-i've run out of maybelline's mascara for CNY.. =(

-i need new blusher

-i need new skin, fairy godmother, miracle, laser, dermatologist, wateva dat can give mi perfect skin.

-i'm hooked on soothin songs.

-there r lots of food in the kitchen nw.

-i helped grannie with the washin up todae

-i've failed to springclean my rm.. heeheee...

-my mum din buy new clothes..

-i'm gonna look like Cyndi wang xin ling frm Ai Ni mtv crossed with pink panther on weds, when i go visitin.. =(

-i'm not lookin forward to it... =(

-i'm not lookin forward to those 3 smug, skinny girls dat i have for relatives (when i dun even noe them, nor have ever spoken to them)

-my relatives will witness a magic show as i transform my scarred skin into flawless skin, with careful makeup

-alrite.. make dat an art show, though being able to make my skin look flawless is nothin short of a miracle/ magic.

-i'm not lookin forward to all the food

-i'm lookin forward to the cash

-i'm gonna buy jay's concert vcd with the cash

-i'm not lookin forward to the socialisin

-i'm not lookin forward to the bingin on candy

-i'm lookin forward to all the shows on tv




haiz... tmr will be a rather big, noisy dae, followed by evenings of which i'm bk-ed til fri i guess.. after which, i might head for a skin doc.. time to seek professional help, esp since i'll be able to afford it with the red-packet money.. anyone willin to let mi visit so as to aid mi in havin money for the skin doc?? heehee..



CaT cat purred at 11:40 PM

missin him

it took on an edge todae. a thin, fine, keen edge. more poignant.


i recall the last time he was away for a considerable while. dat was the Christmas of 2003. he had to go back to Indonesia. n frm there, he msged mi.. he was checkin o mi of coz, tryin to see if i'll fall to temptation. he used the name of "Tom", n said dat "his fren" gave him my no.. little did he noe, i knew the msg was frm Indonesia, coz i recognised the numbers dat Indonesian phonelines start with.. it doesn't take a genius to figure out it was him, esp when "Tom" kept askin if i had a bf n stuff.. of coz i passed his test with flyin colours, showin the appropriate suspicion someone shows when a stranger claims to noe u, n givin the right ans for his qns.. i feigned ignorance til he came back, when i weedled out his confession dat it was him who msged mi, n den went on to constantly tease him abt it, esp his choice of name.. Tom?? huh? i saw the link dat it starts with "T", n had 3 alphabets in it, like "Tri".


todae? nothing. no email, no msg, no nothing.



i'm grateful for the whirlwind dat be here by tmr, gettin caught up with preparations for the steamboat dinner, with the visitin of relatives, with pullin a mask over myself to present a bright n cheerful person. it'll take my mind off his absence.


i hope.


CaT cat purred at 10:08 PM

Dead In My Own Mind



while others have start their dae with a mug of hot coffee, i start mine with a mug of warm water, to kick off the system with some cleansin rather than kick-startin the adrenaline..

while i was skoolin, this time right nw, 6.51, will be deemed as an unearthly hour, as i struggled to keep my head clear, eyes open, catch the bus, be on time, n make it thru another gruelin dae in skool. each dae started with dread firin thru my system, dullin my senses.

yet right nw, i'm sittin here, calmly typin my blog, head clear, too wide awake for my own gd, havin onli slpt in semi-wakefulness frm 12+ to 5+.. my mum asked if i can't slp coz i miss him, am lovesick? wat a fanciful thought. if i am, i'll be slpin all my daes away, hopin i'll wake up to the dae he's back, tryin to fast-forward the process of each dae passin.. but i'm not.. i'm dealin.. n i've already had my breakfast, scrambled eggs, with my warm water.

there's nothin to do, except enjoy the quiet, the fact dat alot of ppl r still snuggled in their bed, warm under their comforters. while mi, i can be like them, if not for the reason dat i can't slp. so much so dat even lyin awake on my bed is a chore. i'll rather be up n about, with a song playin on my com.

there is no dread, onli a calm peacefulness, n an edginess as i wonder how i'm gonna pass my dae.. no doubt i have things to take up my time. i guess itz the thought dat i wanna get out of my head.

grannie's home. frm her mornin walk in the park i presume.. i've switched off my rm's light. i dun wan her to noe i'm already up.. i wan to savor my time alone, watchin the sky turn bright frm my window. i wan the quiet music to soothe my frazzled nerves.

i suddenly feel cold. i've juz realised dat todae's the 7th of Feb..





Happie Monthsary to you..

Happie Monthsary to you..

Happie Monthsary to Catherine..

Happie Monthsary to you..



happie lonely 17th Monthsary to mi. i wonder if he realises todae's date, n the fact dat i'll be by myself, lonely, without him, here.






sudden sense of heartbreak..



CaT cat purred at 7:11 AM
....................

Natalie 10


stark, vivid colours. n nice legs.. no nothin on it except the dirt in the water.



look. i can't be bothered anymore. i've had enuf of everything.



i'm gonna be out of touch for awhile. not desertin the blog. i simply need space to myself. to breathe, to relax. no wind-ups, no nothing. emptiness perhaps, but it'll be a cool, calm emptiness dat i'll enjoy.


~


i dreamt of u, friday nite, saturday mornin.

there were u, n ur family. in a hotel-like "home" of urs.. somehow, there were gowns. somehow, i knew u were there, but in the dream, i din catch a single glimpse of u. there was a pervadin sense of diappointment in the dream, coz i din get to see you at all. it felt like reality had followed mi into my dreams.. coz right nw, i can't see u.

it wld appear, i was kinda accepted into ur family. shows again how in this case, dreams r the opposite of reality.. n i mrb, i was still tryin to please ur family, tried so hard, it was suffocatin, constrictin. in the dream, i guess i've somehow managed it abit, n i still din get to see u.. it was like i kept missin my chances of seein u, meetin u. so many missed chances, lost opportunities, bad timin.. but i cldn't stop tryin, din stop tryin. not til i woke up anyway.

i wonder if itz always been buggin mi, wantin to be accepted by ur family, so as to be truly accepted by u.. if u were here nw, u'll see dat i might start to brood, n tell mi not to think too much. but u r not here nw, n so i brood.. there is a pressure on mi, to be at my best. i can't let down my guard, i keep wantin to do watz right, wat will be best. i keep hopin dat thru these efforts, i'll somehow win the approval of ur family, n be finally accepted.. but of coz, dat seems never to be, impossible in reality..

onli in dreams, r possibilities infinite, n plausible.

is the dream a manifestation of my missin you? maybe.. since either way, i din see you, can't see you..

i keep thinkin abt u, wonderin how u r doin.. not a dae went pass without mi doin so.. n nw, i start to wonder, r u thinkin the same?



or not.


~


missin him have got nothin to do with all the outrage here.



CaT cat purred at 10:22 PM
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Inferiority Complex



i dun have one, not when i succeed in curbin it anyway, once in a while.



mum's down with flu.. poor thing.. n yet she bought mi 4 boxes of chocopie on her way home frm work.. =) heehee.. i do appreciate her!! n she even skinned n cut oranges into cubes for mi n my bro for our vit c intake.. itz tough bein a mum, n itz esp tough bein our mum.. i shall change my bedsheet n clear my table tmr so dat she wun have to nag at mi to do it anymore..





right. ITZ NOT A FREAKIN LOVEBITE! OR CAN'T U PEEPS DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN A BRUISE (those dat u get when u bump into stuff) N A LOVEBITE! i'm sick of tryin to justify myself, clearin the air abt misconceptions, n insensitive comments. dun tell mi i have no sense of shame or watsoever. itz not appreciated, n haven't u realise dat wat u sae can actually hurt? itz rather sickenin tryin to brush everything aside everytime, actin like i dun care, am not wounded, dun feel nutz. did u even consider dat ur barbs, ur "jokes" actually do hit raw nerves? n dat i'm juz a bunch of raw nerves dat u guys keep hittin too close to?! have i no feelins dat u guys try to consider? or have i brushed it aside n hidden it so well all along dat u guys actually forget dat, HEY! CAT HURTS!! SHE ACTUALLY FEELS SOMETHING! CAN U BELIEVE IT?!


how can an innocent bruise turn into a freakin lovebite? when u bump something hard against ur skin, u get a bruise. dat all it is. stop tryin to double guess, stop tryin to twist things into something juicier, something more scandalous, when itz all purely innocent. GOSH! EVEN KIDS BITE WHEN THEY PLAY ROUGH WITH EACH OTHER! have u never gotten a bruise? get bitten?! oh pls... even babies bite, for dat matter..


dun use the word "shame" with mi, i'm hypersensitive.. mayb i shld juz behave like i'm fragile glass dat'll shatter at a moment's notice. i congratulate u, n u come, turn around, n judge mi like dat? even if itz a joke, datz hittin way under the belt. i hve my pride, dun try to tarnish it. u get sad when u think u can't do anythin to comfort mi, i comfort u sayin dat juz u bein there is enuf. n wat do i get? insensitive cracks on mi? thanks alot.












*PIANG!!*




broken




shattered.




datz how fragile n breakable my ego n self-esteem is. a gd thing for mi is dat i bounce back fast. but i wun allow, nor will stand it, if anyone shld try to trample down on it. i'm sick of tryin to be nice, to be all sweet, to be there, to act like i dun care, to make an effort to be entertainin, to be all witty n funny, to appear strong. i'm sick of bein a nice person. i think i mayb have found out the hard way dat bein nice doesn't pay. bein nice doesn't pay. sure! i shldn't be thinkin of receivin, onli givin huh?! i've received, of coz, n i'm grateful. datz y i make an effort in bein a better fren, a better person to have around. but u noe wat? so wat?! ppl still wun bother thinkin if they've stepped on ur tail, trampled on ur feelings. if maskin my emotions n weaknesses have led to ppl thinkin i can never be hurt, n thus throw careless jokes around, think again.





if u have a care, dat is..



CaT cat purred at 11:54 PM

i miss you so much i wanna cry, or puke.. (-_-lll argh.. this is killin mi.. i feel lonely at nite coz there's no u on msn, playin online games with mi.. i dun reallie wana chat with anyone else n spend the whole dae appearin offline n tryin to occupy my time readin.. =( n takin pics of all those pressies u've gotten mi makes mi miss u more, as well as dat ghastly bruise.. wahhhh!!!!!

i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you


i miss you so darn much, i'm goin nutz.. =(

n even if i do sound cliched, quotin a song title, damn! i miss you like crazy.



n i'm nearly drivin the ppl around mi nutz with it, discountin my loony-bin rantings.. (-_-lll



CaT cat purred at 1:10 AM
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this is my part of my right thigh. (get over the fact dat itz not slim as chopsticks!!) as u can see, there's a patch of bruise there, a remakably big patch of bruise i shld sae, dat turned yellowy-greenish in hue todae. how did i get it? when "someone" unceremoniously bit mi..



n this is a close up.. doesn't look dat bad? datz coz the light in my rm dun seem to be white.. (-_-lll



another close up.. trust mi, it looks better in the pics, than in actuality.. in actuality, the shade of the bruise is much darker, such dat even my bro was amazed by how big n how dark it was.. n it din help dat my skin is so fair.. (-_-lll




the box of choc roses Bunny got mi for Christmas.. =) i juz adore them..



a close up on the roses.. juz realised dat itz lightly scented too.. =) aren't they juz gorgeous?!



the wand dat he owed mi frm Christmas 2003, n bought for mi for Christmas 2004.. they actually light up.. but itz hard to get a pic of it alight coz the colours of the light changes.. =)



the windmill dat he got for mi frm Watsons.. pretty pretty.. =)



n the yuanbao (ingots) dat my grannie bought todae.. it looks real huh? heehee.. have the weight too.. but itz juz plastic, with candy inside, of which i have no idea how it tastes.. but it looks pretty convincin n i like it.. can double up as CNY decor too..

nw.. i was tempted to take pics of the chocopie, n the broken base of my mum's bedside lamp.. but mayb i'll leave it for another dae.



Bunny, no idea if u'll read this, but do bundle up, since u find it cold in Kunming.. haiz.. miss u alot, n was disappointed i missed u when u were online.. =( haiz.. if onli u can juz make contact with mi..





CaT cat purred at 10:41 PM

Chocopies!!!!

"The Lotte Chocopie is soft biscuit with the good taste of enrobing chocolate and more chewing marshmallow."

heehee.. u can buy Lotte's Chocopie frm ShopnSave in Amk central.. dunnoe if other ShopnSave branches carry it.. :p


reasons to try the Lotte's chocopie can be found here. =)

it seems i've hit upon the best!




CaT cat purred at 3:12 PM

i can't wait for him to be back, n watch Constantine, as well as Seoul Raiders with mi.. they'll both be released on 8th Feb.. i'm gonna watch them with him when he's back. itz a promise to myself.

in the meanwhile, i'm cravin pasta..



CaT cat purred at 2:44 PM

Evanescent Sunrise


so this mornin, at abt 9+, i got unceremoniously woken up by my grandma, who was standin beside my bed.. (-_-lll had a shock, and those kind of stalked feelin u'll get if u realise someone's been watchin u slp.. i was so freakin tired, havin reallie settled down to slp at 7am.. =( i can't for the life of mi figure out y i haven't been able to slp properly.. kept tossin n turnin around in bed, comin awake at the slightest disturbance, or juz plain comin awake with no apparent reason.. itz takin a toll on my skin n my nerves.. i yearn for a gd, deep slp, n the fear of not gettin it is addin to my inability to slp at nite.. =(

so anyway, i was sayin, she woke mi up, n asked mi to go to NTUC with her, to buy a duck for CNY. i tried to refuse, sayin i've onli juz gotten to slp at 3+ n she said dat itz already 9+, n dat it shld be enuf slp already..


HUH??!!!


though i was still half-aslp, i cld count dat i've had onli 6hrs of slp.. din she noe dat a person needs minimum 8hrs?? mi, minimum 10??!!! omg.. by den i was mentally cursin my mum who "kindly" volunteered my services to my grannie.. feels like sabotage to mi.. =( how can mummy do this??!!! ugh.. my grannie, left mi to wake up, n busied abt while i was debatin whether i shld go back to slp.. twinges of guilt came n i realised i can't refuse her, coz if i did, the whole family might resent mi for the lack of a roasted duck on CNY eve, not to mention the amt of naggin frm everywhere dat i'll receive. they'll al perceive mi as a lazybum!! the horrors.. so i got up, grudginly..


n voila!! i ventured out of the house without make-up!! usually this concession will be made onli if i was goin as far as downstairs.. todae, either coz my brains were still addled frm the lack of sufficicent slp, or i was feelin particularly brave, i went further.. hahaha... okie. i admit i see no pt in applyin makeup when i'm goin to a supermarket where there'll onli be loads of elderlies, n no cute guys, or even cute gals for dat matter.. if there were cute guys, i'll rather die before i flash my make-up-less face at them, such is my vanity. as for cute gals, i wun wan them to see mi n den gloat over their seeminly perfect skin.. :p no one is gonna "step" on mi to derive their self-satisfaction. hmmpf!


so anyway, i muz sae dat i'll nv be a gd housewife, coz i dun like poultry n markets.. raw meat is so drippin wet dat itz disgustin.. all cold n slimy.. euuuwww... yuck! they'll juz drip their juices n bloodied water all over the place.. n when u wan to buy them, u have to wrestle with ppl for a place n den proceed to plnge ur hands down n feel abt the poultry to see how fleshy or firm or wateva they r before makin ur pick.. there's no way i'll ever inflict dat on my hands.. so i figured dat if i get married, either the guy will do all the cookin related stuff, like scalin the fish, selectin the chicken, guttin wateva, n cookin it. not mi.. i can't stand the smell of animal's blood, pig's esp.. i'll hurl!! n i can't stand touchin cold, wet, slimy stuff.. hell!! i dun even wanna peel prawns with my bare hands! yep.. so i can either marry a vegetarian, or he can cook the meat, or we can buy cooked meat wheneva we wan meat.. coz i doubt any guy will be willin to gut fish/ chicken n wateva nonsense either.. or of coz! we can hire a maid.. heehee.. but my pt is, i wun make a gd housewife, coz i dunnoe nutz abt selectin veggie, findin the freshest fish, n the fleshiest chicken. nada, zilch. n i have no intention of learnin.. :p

so, we bought so candies for CNY too.. very nice packagin but i wonder if the candies actually taste nice.. i'm rather sceptical abt the candies ppl sell frm stands.. they look quite shoddy.. n we all noe dat while the packagin can be nice, the contents might not be so.. hmm.. think i'll go candy shoppin soon, for the sake of ym cousins, so they'll get gd candies n gobble them all up, n my family wun be left strugglin with the unwanted leftover candies.. i hate leftover candies!! coz i wun wanna eat them, n no one else does either.. so i shall make sure dat the candies i buy will be snapped up quickly, so i wun have to deal with leftovers.. i'll be doin my grannie a favor too.. =)

bought the lotte chocopie.. =) seems rather hard to find it nwadaes, so i bought 2 boxes.. for snackin at nite when i feel peckish or hungry.. =) i paid for these myself, seein as itz onli for mi, n no one else.. but my grannie tried to push money to mi, saein itz not often dat i go marketin with her, n to take it as a treat.. (-_-lll bein the sweet grand-daughter dat i am...



















OF COZ I DIN TAKE THE MONEY!!! how cld u think dat i did?? tsk tsk..

like i said, itz for my own eatin, not my cousins, so i wun expect her, or anyone else (with the exception of mummy dearest) to pay for it. itz mine, so i pay for it myself.. gee.. esp since i've got the money.. there's somethin abt takin money frm elderlies dat jar with my ethics.. unless itz red packets for special occasions, or for repayin u a loan, i simply balk at takin money frm them.. it feels wrong somehow.. mayb itz coz they've got no income but wat their kids give them? haiz.. it was quite embarrassin pushin the money to n fro between my grannie n mi.. (-_-lll darn.. hope she wun stand on such ceremony again.. itz my duty to accompany her to the supermarket, bein her grand daughter, as well as havin been volunteered by my mum o help her carry heavy stuff..

anyway, i'm cravin for fresh currypuffs frm this coffeeshop near amk Jubilee, as well as the honeydew soyamilk frm Mr Bean.. cld have bought it juz nw but din coz i think she wld have insisted on payin for mi, n also coz my hands were laden with heavy plastic bags of a whole duck, n a packet of chicken wings.. still, i feel cheated out of the currypuffs n soyamilk!! argh.. cravin... =(


missin you...




CaT cat purred at 11:50 AM
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Dreaming


dat he's back.. hmm.. todae wasn't too bad.. Bunny-withdrawal symptoms haven't set in yet. kinda tough tryin to occupy my time at home.. hope i'll have an early nite, n wake up bright n early tmr.. essential step for gd skin n no make-up.. i muz keep in mind dat i wan him to return to a fresh lookin mi.. =) gee.. the things i'll do for him.. haha..

hope he's safe n sound, n nejoyin himself.. it doesn't help dat my overly rich imagination can conjure up all sorts of scenarios where he wun be safe n sound. (-_-lll i muz stop worryin myself..




CaT cat purred at 5:38 PM

HE CALLED!!! HE DID!!! (nods furiously) HE CALLED MI FRM THE AIRPORT THIS MORNIN BEFORE HE BOARDED THE PLANE!!! THE PHONE RANG!! IT DID!! IT WAS RIGHT BESIDE MY BED, N IT RANG N I HEARD HIS VOICE!! =) he kept his word.. =)

CaT cat purred at 11:46 AM

well.. no idea y i always get this way.. despite knowin dat he'll onli be goin for awhile, i bahve as though he's not comin back anytime soon.. i'll get all weepy n emotional.. guess i'm juz no gd with farewells n departures.. i wanna send him off, but noe dat itz probably not a gd idea with his parents around.. n wat with the time bein early, transportation n stuff, n dat he might not even be free to talk to mi or anything.. well.. guess i better stay at home n pray for his safety.. i'm so scared of anything untoward happenin.. how come it feels so painful, though itz onli a short separation? it happens everytime he have to leave Singapore.. i feel sorta dumb for not gainin an immunity to it.. he said he'll miss mi. i'll hold on to dat til he's back.. i hope he'll have fun, for his sake. he said he'll call as soon as he's back. i'll hold on to dat too.. even if he doesn't, i'll feel better as long as he's back.. in the meanwhile, i'll mope around at home n drive everyone nutz by missin him. i shall prepare the vdae pressie, as well as mthsary pressie, so dat he can return to a pleasant surprise. i shall get myself healthy n happie so dat he'll return to a radiant mi.. i'm sure he wun wan mi to be unhappy while he's away.

darn.. y am i so freakin emotional?? this is such a small thing n i'm like makin a big fuss out of it.. get a grip!! he's onli goin away for awhile. u noe he's with his family, u noe he'll be safe. u noe he'll miss u, u noe he'll have fun. u noe dat this time apart is mayb gd for the relationship too. it can strengthen the relationship, afterall, absence makes the heart grows fonder. so, cat, get a grip. he's comin back soon.

i dun even care if i spend vdae with him. i juz wan him to be back asap. n i shall learn, to be happy waitin for him, as well as not to kick up a big fuss juz coz he wun be around for awhile.



CaT cat purred at 1:27 AM
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At The Gate


departure gate rather.. datz where he'll be tmr mornin..


din attend my cousin's weddin buffet, coz i wanted to spend some time with Bunny.. i can't seem to spend enough time with him.. somehow, it feels like itz never enough.. y is dat so?

anyway, for lack of anything to do, we went for lunch at Suki Sushi.. think itz way better than Sakae.. =) he reallie stuffed himself.. hahaha... we were complainin abt feelin so full dat we wanted to barf.. esp him, who can onli walk slowly, while takin breaks in between walkin, so dat he wun feel sick.. whahahaha... super funnie..

den, i sent him home. had to get him home early coz his parents wan him to be home earlier due to their early flight tmr.. while walkin to his house, we saw his bro!! we immediately parted hands n walked one after another.. his bro din look at him when he walked past, n merely glanced at mi.. guess he was reallie engrossed in the conversation he was havin on his mobile.. n i think he doesn't recognise mi, nor saw Bunny.. (-_-lll

we went to sit around at the pool.. tried out the new playground dat was built there, n den sat on a ledge in between 2 pools n chatted.. the deeper pool was right under our feet, in front of us, while we had our backs to the jacuzzi pool.. =) enjoyed lookin at the reflection in the water, as well as the wind.. then, Bunny's mum came down.. she asked Bunny to go upstairs for dinner.. well.. wat a coincidence.. fancy meetin 2 of his family members todae.. i din greet her, n i hope she wun mind. i din greet her, not coz i din wan to, but coz i feared it wld be rude to interrupt while she was talkin to Bunny.. i dun think i cld have gotten a word in, n so.. hmm.. i reallie hope she wun mind.. if she does, oh manz, wat can i sae but dat i've inadvertably added another black mark to my name.. haiz..

i wonder if i shld send him off tmr.. basically, i dun mind wakin up early. but i think it might be a hassle for him, wat with his family around.. i hope he'll have a safe n enjoyable trip.. haiz.. i will be spendin our monthsary as well as V-dae alone here.. =(



i've contemplated goin to the airport n watch the planes the whole dae tmr, alone, to get in the reality dat he's gone off for awhile..


darn.. i'm reallie not lookin forward to the 7th n the 14th.. =(

..

CaT cat purred at 9:55 PM
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