i'm all pale and grey
CaT cat purred at 5:06 PM
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been havin bad stomach cramps since about 2 weeks ago, n they seem to be gettin more intensive lately. i wonder if itz juz the normal monthly reason, or caused by some body malfunction i should know about but dun.

mayb itz the stress? -_-lll

juz had a reallie bad one in my slp awhile ago. could feel the pain amidst my dreams. had mi tossin and turnin n curling up until it eventually eased off. see, the bad things abt cramps is dat u can't reallie stop them, u can onli try to ease them or wait for them to ease off. even when i was semi-concious, it was bad. can't imagine how much pain there'll be if i was awake.
CaT cat purred at 5:48 AM
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need some relief. been tryin to get the notes done since 9am with almost no break.. taxed.

i'll be happy to juz sit in a daze for hours non-stop after exams. dat'll be a blessing. to juz sit there emptily. mayb i'll even be smiling.

stomach's churning, body's aching, eyes aching, brain running, throat's parched. think i'm burnt out physically and mentally for nw. in a constant state of tension, no appetite at all. food juz makes mi feel sick, n the thought of cramming more info makes mi literally weepy.

the last time i experienced this was in sec 1, after knowin dat my psle score was the 2nd highest for my batch. stressed myself out thinkin i'll have to maintain dat, n lost slp n appetite over it until someone snapped mi out of it by tellin mi i'm thinkin too much n stressin unduly. i was told to juz try my best, n den let things be. they saw dat i was unhappie and haggard when nobody else, even myself, did.

the memory will always be etched in my mind, hearing those words over a lunch i couldn't swallow. thinkin abt his words and feelin relieved and sad at the same time, when the realisation hit mi dat he was right. i started slpin better dat nite.

n now, almost 8 yrs later, i'm sittin here stressin myself out again. this time, no one can tell mi i'm stressin unduly. this time, the reasons are real and true. i am running desperately out of time.
CaT cat purred at 11:05 PM
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feelin damned abrasive and fucked up. mayb itz exam stress gettin to mi? but i dun think datz all there is to it.

the truth is i think of skool n i equate it with a duty dat i'll rather not have. yet i can't find any alternative ways dat will be approved and supported. my interest clearly does not equate to more n more bks, or a cushy office job, and i find less and less any point a degree can make into gettin mi work in the future, in a field where i might want to pursue.

i juz hate all this studyin, endless bks n facts dat i have to somehow miraculously drill into myself so dat i can pass my exams. studyin things dat doesn't seem to have any real meaning or link to everyday, real, life. itz juz fantasical to mi. esp since i dun want some office job, something so uniformed, regimented and uncomforatble a notion for mi. i've never fantasized abt sittin behind a desk everydae for work, though for most ppl, datz their definition of a "real" job. mine's always gotta do with interactin with ppl, where fulfilment n satisfaction is immediate, something closer. my aspirations n dreams all run towards wat most ppl deem as impractical instead, such as bein some performer, makeup, hair.. blah blah.. freelance. minimal regimentation.

zero interest in paperwork. n i can't skool my mind into absorbing those words anymore, the way i used to be able to. i can turn in an essay, assignments, with little trouble, sure. but i feel like i'm wastin my life away. i'll rather have something dat i can do with my own two hands. datz watz real and tangible to mi.

fuck.. screw studies. i see no point in them at all besides gettin a degree dat i dun even reallie wan at all. to tell the truth, i dun personally care if i fail n stuff. i onli care dat itz wat my parents want for mi, watz real n tangible to them. if onli they see dat i'm juz not cut out for it. no more paper-chasing for Cat. i dun wan fashion management either, datz my backup if i fail this sem. it seems like i'm onli doin this for the sake of seein how long i can hang on, not for the sake of wantin it. i'm thinkin if it'll be a relief for mi if i do end up havin to quit skool. will my parents den stop hopin i'll get a degree n let mi pursue wat i deem as real?

mayb i juz shun hard work? studyin is hard work to mi. i dun wan to disappoint them or waste their money and effort, since wat they wan for mi is wat they see as being gd for mi. but i feel like i'm buryin myself away. n i'm not selfless enough to be sufficiently motivated by the one reason i have for continuin- them. i noe they wun wan mi to live my life for them if it doesn't make mi happie, i noe they wan mi to share their ideas of watz best for mi. but itz not. n it makes mi sad dat itz not.
CaT cat purred at 4:19 PM
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lesson learnt todae:

the higher the hopes, the harder the fall.

the more one look forward to somethin, the more crushin it feels when one is simply brushed off or pushed aside with no consideration. n the longer the anticipation, the more hurtin it is.


i think i'll never place too much hope in anything ever again. especially words. words r juz empty. anticipation is a bad thing. so is hope. they both lead to crushin disappointment and misery.



Wifey, get well soon.. muz have been overworkin urself to keep gettin fevers. take some time for ur own health n rest more. dun worry abt ur notebk, itz in my very gd hands. i'll get it backto u tmr. =)
CaT cat purred at 4:33 PM
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farce

stay mi now while i still feel something
before indifference sets in.
despite words,
everything's changed.
hollow shell,
pretence of what's once been.
CaT cat purred at 3:50 PM
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i'm aimin to be a cool sis who doesn't nag, but give gd advice. who doesn't flip out over everything, who doesn't protect my bro frm everything dat he shld learn on his own thru experiences n falls. i noe there r certain things dat juz can't be taught, insights and knowledge dat wun gel unless one reaches it on their own.


so.. dear mummy, daddy, nanny..

DUN ASK MI TO NAG/ SCOLD HIM!!! X_X

wat makes them think he'll listen to mi when he doesn't listen to them? -_-lll yes, u can sae it might work coz our age is nearer. but i noe my bro enuf to noe dat being close in age doesn't mean a damn thing. wat works for him is authority n if they can't even pull it off, i definitely dun have any chance of havin him listen to my advice on "study hard nw for the sake of ur future".

juz coz i dun nag him, leave him be, doesn't mean dat i'm not worried abt his work n watz goin on in his life, the prospect of his future (which is nw lookin rather dim). i juz dun see the point of naggin when it'll fall on deaf ears n ensure dat same treatment for any future advice dat i reallie think he shld consider. itz like pushin him away when u wan to draw him in, esp if he gets nagged at by everyone at home, every dae. n watz the point of naggin him til he "studies" reluctantly, when it shld be a decision made on his own, for his own sake? i think wat he needs is a gd, hard fall, for him to panic for himself, for him to realise he's on too slow a track, so dat he'll pull himself up n work.

so no, i wun nag, but mayb juz ask him to consider where he's goin at this pace.

so dun pile all this pressure on mi when u shld pile it on him since he's the one u r after.
CaT cat purred at 6:41 PM
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SNAP OUT
CaT cat purred at 2:08 PM
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