got home from meeting up with Priscilla. went to have mala steamboat at Liang Seah Street in Bugis. chatted alot, learnt alot. hung out at Mos Burger after, before switchin to walkin around and settling down in Mac.

saw Marcus in Bugis again. lolx.. the previous time i bumped into him was also in Bugis, when i went to have mala steamboat with Priscilla. such a coincidence. i'm thinkin he keeps hangin out in Bugis. he was with his army frens n were pacin around the place aimlessly. it was nice seeing him anyway.

kinda liberating, to be out like this, unshackled. though it feels abit lonely dat he doesn't concern himself to contact mi, it was kinda gd in a carefree way. itz high time i freed myself to live my life the way i wanna live it. it might take a lil' practice in the meanwhile, since i've had my wings clipped for such a long time. i can get used to this.
CaT cat purred at 2:28 AM
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and the friction arises in every conversation, conflicts that errode huge chunks of me with each blow. and i seem powerless to stop the destruction, to halt or reverse the course of things. it seems a sin that i have words to express my emotions. and i fear things will just go on until we end up hating each other, until you inevitably hate me.
CaT cat purred at 6:35 PM
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received my first wedding invite in this life. it's addressed to me, not my parents. but of course, it is from a friend, not some relative.

i look at the ivory and silver card, their names, the interlinked hearts printed on the cover, and feel envious. the bride is my age, my mum's age when she got married. when she first called me to ask if i can go, i was flabbergasted. there's someone in this current age, gettin married at this young age like my mum did, like what i hope for.

i want a marriage like my parents'. i'll like to follow in my mum's footsteps. so as i look at the invitation, beneath the happiness i feel for them, it's envy mingled with wistfulness..
CaT cat purred at 11:31 PM
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i think there are some things in this world that i will never get used to. which kinda suck, coz most of these stuff are in the 'bad' category of my life.
CaT cat purred at 11:37 PM
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Definitely, Maybe.

i got home and thought about the question, "So what did you learn from the movie?" i think the only thing that came across to mi the strongest was- what should be will eventually be, with a big emphasis on 'eventually'. it is like no matter how much things are rushed, they'll only end up as detours until the right time has come.
CaT cat purred at 9:38 AM
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i learnt that just putting two people who gets along together wouldn't be enough to make a good relationship. what becomes gradually important with time are the similarities and differences between them. the deal makers or breakers.

people who get along can just be friends if they are too different. in friendships, we embrace the differences we have. in a relationship, too little similarities will inevitably lead to clashes, especially if there aren't much acceptance and tolerance between the partners.

oh well...
CaT cat purred at 9:48 AM
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my desktop: tryin to psych myself into studyin for finals.

the $8 sharksfin and abalone noodles i had for dinner was good. so was the walk with my parents and grandma around Terminal 3. =) spirits lifted for a night finally. tiring but contented, that is if i don't think of vexing issues. today ended up being kinda happy, something i haven't felt in awhile.
CaT cat purred at 11:19 PM

my life now feels like i've woken up from a dream that i can't go back into. i seem to know that we can't ever recover what we've lost, like there's no turning back.
CaT cat purred at 9:32 AM
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haa.. last night was an experience, the first time i actually tried drinking my sorrows away. its handy having all sorts of hard liquor around the house with no one who drinks them.

and so once i again, i made a big mess of things. that led me to the bottle. had the intention of finishing up the bottle of red wine in the fridge, the other types of alcohol being too much to take. i didn't really wanted to get oblivious after all.

it was stupid. gulping down 2 glasses of red wine in rapid succession, on an empty stomach. i could finally understand why people enjoy drinking. there's a kind of careless freedom there, like nothing could hurt you, not that i have the intention of doing this often and turning myself into an alcoholic.

so balanced on that precarious edge of sobriety, i called a friend and came clean with all i've done with my life, which was to basically screw it up a hundred times over more than what anyone else can do. it was hilarious, but there wasn't really much pain. it felt like i was insulated with bubblewrap, yet carefree and brave. a phone call that lasted almost 3hours, as everything came spilling out.

things that now, in the light of day, i'm weakening against. now, with the carelessness gone, i'm once again considering how much more hurt i can take without hurting.
CaT cat purred at 9:45 AM
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tired. sick n tired of the overwhelming emotions, and the lack of them. itz blessed relief when i can forget for awhile. but it comes back n the pain expands.

slowly losing my mind.
CaT cat purred at 9:53 PM
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lost in a maze where heart and mind war. there's no one to save me, no one who can help. but i'm just a scared person, trying to block things out. torn between two paths, i can't take the first step.

and each night, tears visit.
CaT cat purred at 9:40 PM
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today's been one of the worst days ever.. and i keep sinking deeper.
CaT cat purred at 9:24 PM
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there's a hole in my heart, with nothing i can fill in it. it gets bigger day by day, a gaping emptiness, bleak black. and with it, i can't breathe. yet it was my choice to walk away, because there's hurt for you either way. and i wish we can turn back time, or stop it when it was all good. then we wouldn't have holes in our hearts, left to carry on alone. if you know me, know that i'm suffering too. for us, for you, for what i've denied out of cowardice. but i did what i thought was best for you. because i have no promises left.
CaT cat purred at 7:41 PM

and the memories comes back, the sights we saw, the scents and the emotions felt. but i cannot hold them, what i was never meant to have. and while i'm missing.. my silence shall be kept.
CaT cat purred at 12:19 AM
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