alrite. i seem to have forgotten to blog about this new semester. so far, it isn't hectic, but there will be deadlines coming up every week so it'll probably be a bumpy ride.

relationship wise.. i'm still tryin to sieve through information, trying to sort out the confusion in my mind. there r alot of things that i do not want to believe or think about. reality sucks but i'm trying to get used to the way things r now. life feels so different now. it's great that i have friends who will support mi.
CaT cat purred at 10:11 AM
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i hate apologies. i hate the lackadaisical attempt to tie up loose ends. i hate apologies that come just for the sake of fulfilling a duty, or to quickly settle things so that any unhappiness can be swiftly swept under and out of sight.

is it that hard to do things right, from the beginning? i don't think it's any harder than doing something badly or wrongly then end up having to apologise and make up for it. in fact, it's easier and saves a whole lot of time and trouble, without all the unhappiness. so why do people insist on bungling things up and then trying to salvage the situation by apologising afterwards? is it such a high to make others unhappy? especially the ones who supposedly matters most? if they matter most, why weren't they worth enough effort to do things properly for in the first place?

i don't like "sorry dear"s. a hundred of them wouldn't be enough to appease me. it just show that i wasn't important enough in the first place, and that i'm thought as easily fobbed off with an apology. no, that doesn't cut it with me.

i hate sweet nothings especially when i'm angry. it just shows people think i'm stupid enough not to be able to see through the insincerity of it all.
CaT cat purred at 12:33 AM
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following up on the pretty pink fuchsia paint.

two police officers came over to my house to check out the scene. grandma was still on edge so they got a earful of grievances. lolx..

i was the first witness so they had to take my statement. it was exactly like how the tv dramas show it to be, not dat i was hurled into some dark cell n interrogated. dat treatment is reserved for criminals or suspected criminals. their shoes must have been troublesome to take off so they took my statement at my corridor, with them askin questions and scribbling down my answers. so exciting!!! lolx.. allow mi my bimbotic moments.

the 2 of them had a gd sense of humour. said the colour was pretty, which i totally agreed with. haaa.. i was told dat the usual paint colours were black, white or red. this was the first time they saw pink paint splashed. wheeee!!! i feel super honoured, secretly. if my family members knew i harboured such deviant thoughts, i'll probably die frm being nagged at.

after they left, i was delegated the task of wiping off the pink paint on the wooden door, while my grandma cleaned up the metal gate. by then, the paint was dry n we had a limited amount of kerosene to use, so wipin took alot of strength, effort n time. it was a lil' pity to see the pink paint go n by the end of it, i was super tired.

went out for dinner and caught Indianna Jones 4 after. itz pretty good. no spoilers from mi. rather worth the money. =)

first week of sch's officially over n my part of the assignment's done. yay!!
CaT cat purred at 12:42 AM
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there's alot of drama happening in my life lately.

came home from sch at 2pm n saw my house addressed scribbled in the lift with black marker ink. not exactly my house address. more like my house addressed written n cancelled off with the correct address scribbled above it. it's just 1 number difference afterall.

O $ P $
#0?-1103

talk abt stupidity. can't even get a simple address right. but datz not all.

i got off the lift n saw the same thing, this time with the right address, scribbled on the wall beside my door. den, as i was reaching for my keys, i was greeted with a stunning sight.

my house door was splashed with bright fuchsia-pink paint. -_-lll both the metal gate n the wooden door. n the paint wasn't fully dry yet.

on a brighter note, at least the colour is pretty. den logic snapped in n i wondered how the hell am i supposed to open the door to get in?! i dunnoe a wide repertoire of vulgarities but i was mentally letting off a whole slew of them n inventin new ones by den.

if i take a pic now, my grandma n dad will probably scold mi. so i dun have a pic.

nw grandma's angry n callin the cops. they should make sure the police officers answering the phone can speak all sorts of dialects.
CaT cat purred at 2:18 PM
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it's only during my lowest moments that i learn to appreciate my life.

thinking about how my life has been so far, i think i can conclude that i've been a lucky and loved person.

since young, i've been the apple of my parents' eyes, their little princess whom they'll shelter from all the storms, while trying to provide me the best they can. from education, to caring for me, they've always kept me in their protective little bubble and kept the hardest knocks at bay, even until now. and having had this all the while, it's easy to take it for granted and neglect how much they truly love me. now that i'm getting older, i can better understand the reason for the things they do, and it's easy to see that it's been hard on them loving me the way they did.

my nanny too. my extended family, with her daughter and son who are both elder than me and treated me as their little sister since young til now. though i'm not at their house everyday anymore like how i was for my first 16years, the distance haven't dampened their importance to me, nor their concern over me and my brother. it's impossible to imagine how i can get to where i am without them in my life. my nanny is like my surrogate mother, taking care of us on my mother's behalf, my hardworking mother who tires herself out daily at work to help provide for us.

my grandma loves me too. it's easy to tell from how she always nags me and my brother to eat, even though we are not hungry. it's easy to tell from how she continues providing for us though me and my brother can be really spoilt brats sometimes, how she keeps the house spick and span so that we will be comfortable, and how she teaches me stuff. she doesn't ask us for anything, yet she's always giving.

my cousins and relatives all care for me. even the latest additions to the big family, my cousin's wife and my little niece. it makes me happy that my cousins and i have become closer throughout these years, the support that's always there.

my friends loves me too. since primary school, even though i was really spoilt and snobbish, they still accepted me and gave their friendship freely, forgiving me for all the stupid things i do. Mira, you are at my side throughout all these years, until now and hopefully into the future. my first true best friend. thank you.

then i grew up, and went to secondary school. even though not everyone loves me as they did in primary school, i've met people who have stuck by me all these years, showering me with concern and suport when i need it most. like Amanda, whom i feel endlessly grateful towards for being in my life all these years, for treating me as her best friend. Marcus, who'll extend help when i need and ask for it, who'll drop me a message even when he's training overseas, Yong Lee, who'll keep me company whenever i feel lonely, who'll crack stupid jokes and make me laugh. who gives in to me always. Grace, who tells me she'll pray for me, who cares for me though we haven't seen each other for a long time. there are alot others but they are just abit more distant. =)

jc was too short to make lasting friendships. but it was one of the major turning points in my life coz i met someone there. someone who shared 4+years with me. and along that, i met new people whom i wouldn't have known otherwise. people who wouldn't always be there, but will try to be when they can. and knowing that they'll try, that's good enough for me.

university. alot of fun. Jillian, u know i'll always love you n dote on you. you are like a little sister to me. kayee, my wifey! she never fails to think on my behalf and take care of me and it is good to know her life is going well. baby ben chua, who'll make me laugh when i talk to him, who cares deeply for friends. and of course, Faith, Suying, Jiayi, YongEn, WeiYang and Johan. i wondered how i spent uni life before without really knowing you people until the last semester. thanks for always caring, always accepting me, for helping me learn to enjoy school, and for giving me advice though i'm such an idiot who ends up doing things my own way anyway. thank you for not judging, for supporting me.

yep. so i guess i'm a much loved person, though i haven't done anything to deserve any of it. and i feel lucky for having them, my spotlights in the darkest moments. and i can never fully express my gratitude towards them, and how thankful i am to them for being in my life, for being the people they are. i hope i haven't made anyone teary with this.

trust in me. i am strong. i'll never fail to climb out of the pits and into the sunshine where all of you await. i have springs under my feet afterall. =)
CaT cat purred at 10:48 AM
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didn't sleep last night. tried hard but couldn't, with all the things i've learnt swimming endlessly in my mind. and i can't breathe. my heart was pounding hard and fast the whole night, like a ticking bomb.

heard my dad get up at 4+, and after i realised that i really couldn't get to sleep, i got up and went to the kitchen where he was reading the newspapers. we chatted. it was easy to appear strong in the wee hours when reality seems distanced by a sheet of glass. i thought i was getting over things. but now in the daylight, it hurts. it hurts too much. the pain in unbearable.

and i thought of drinking things numb. but that will only damage my health and make the ones who love me worry. part of me is still hoping that all this isn't real. another part is still in denial, disbelief and shock. another part is trying to grasp reality and work with it.

he's never been just mine. i think. even from the beginning..
CaT cat purred at 8:43 AM
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spent the entire evening in a daze of heartache.. sth seems to be squeezing my lungs, i can't breathe, i'm drownin. i've lost the energy to move, to eat, to do anything than figuring out the stuff in my head, the images in my mind, the tears i wanna hide. there's almost nth to do but cry or drift blankly, where the hurt isn't that sharp. n i can't think foolish thoughts like dyin becoz there r ppl who care.. n itz not worth it being so upset.

i've been betrayed in the worst way.. the way i never thought would happen..

don't ask.. when itz all sorted out, i'll answer to ppl who are concerned. in the meanwhile, i have to be alone.
CaT cat purred at 9:37 PM

after dashing around the whole week, with late nights, i am officially very tired. i am tired of all the uncertainty too, and the nagging suspicions. think it is my problem and not his. he's said all that can be said towards reassuring an insecure girlfriend.

throughout these 4yrs+, i've relaxed my expectations and standards a whole lot until i'm almost an entirely different person than how i was before i met him. not sure if that's a good thing. but still, the relaxed expectations are still not low enough for me to be content with what he's willing to do for me, which is actually very little in my opinion.

materially, i feel guilty whenever he pays, which is most of the time. he doesn't give me the things i want, but cheap substitutes or maybe even something that i don't like at all. most of his friends are dubious characters that i certainly don't approve of, and worries me when he hangs out with them. and there are always girls trying to get with him, one after another.

emotionally, it feels kinda barren. we hang out together, but it's self-soothe time when i'm unhappy. it's like he can't stand by me and help mi shoulder any of the burdens and life's dificult times. he'll put up a flimsy performance of doing so, but it feels like alot of smoke. i can't be fluffy clouds and sunshine all the time. he doesn't share anything with me unless i ask, and then it'll feel like digging. it's kinda lonely being in a relationship with him. sometimes it's like dating someone who isn't there at all.

and i know i'm stupid for still not walking away. so don't tell me that.
CaT cat purred at 10:48 AM
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we fight each time the name pops up.

attended the wedding dinner of my pri sch fren, Jin Xin, last nite. was seated at the table along with the other pri sch ppl. Mira, if u rmb any of them: Hui Teng, Aloysius, Ren Hui, Ailing, Lifen/Mabel, See Wee, Yen Poh and Sharon. haven't seen them in forever and it as fun. hope we'll really get together and hang out soon, without the need of any wedding invites to provide the occasion to do so.

it was held at The Chevron. the club was pretty, the restaurant had good service despite the relatively small size. the food wasn't spectacular but it wasn't bad either. had 2 and 1/2 glasses of red wine. tipsy sober drink tipsy sober drink... most of the others onli drank F&N Orange. haaaa.. mi and tri were the earliest among them to reach and i was finishing my first glass of wine by the time they reached. Lifen and See Wee tried to make us drink alot by daring each other to dry the whole glass of alcohol at one shot. tri ended up drinkin 2 n 1/2 glasses of red wine and 1 glass of chivas. Yen Poh's bf was a gd sport for drinkin with tri too. not dat tri is an alcoholic. he drank coz ppl asked/dared him to. hahhaaa.. Lifen is nuts. can't let her near too much alcohol coz she'll make ppl drink. ALOT.

it was fun attending becoz we din let the years in between hold us back. n i think Jin Xin will have a happy marriage. she looked ready and the groom looked happy. seems like nothing dat might happen in the future will faze them too much.
CaT cat purred at 9:50 AM
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hands up those who think that females have better instincts than males, and can better see through the subtle manipulations and tricks of other females compared to guys.

why is it that for voicing out my suspicions, i am the big bad wolf while the manipulative bitches are always the clean innocent lambs? because i am more direct? because i don't believe in having to resort to artifice when interacting with him? what is wrong with being more real and outspoken anyway? am i to treat him the way i treat some other people? with careful steps and subtle manipulations?

so far, my instincts about the females around him have always turned out to be accurate. why is it that for voicing out my worries and insecuritites, i am the one at fault?

and i saw the girl's sms today, and her blog address on his internet history again. he went through some trouble recalling the correct address, and it was all there for me to see. on our monthsary. how fantastic. why does he choose to be dense when her intentions are so blatant? why did he who doesn't enjoy blogs try so hard to recall her address just because he was bored?

and why am i the one to suffer through all this?
CaT cat purred at 11:14 PM

been having him in my dreams for 2 consecutive weeks, my long loss secondary school love.

alright. he's not exactly missing. it's more like we've become familiar strangers, people who once knew each other, but are now just acquaintances. not that i ever had the chance to know him well enough. not that it ever had the chance of developing into anything more than unrequited love. and he was my one true love. the only one i loved unconditionally, without selfishness, steadfast for more than 4 years. that even now, he is a weakness.

think the purest form of love happens in crushes.

it's a kind of sweet torture seeing him in my dreams each week. wistful. and in my dreams, he was just like how i knew him back then. gentle, caring.. we'll probably have no chance of meeting again, and all that's left are random msn conversations that happens once in awhile. he gotta stop appearing in my dreams uninvited cause it'll make me miss the good old days that are better left behind.
CaT cat purred at 8:09 AM
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head hurts so bad, i feel nauseous. AGAIN.

not talking about something wouldn't make it disappear. forgetting something wouldn't mean it never happened. nothing that once used to be something can be rendered non-existent.

so why are things continuously brushed under the carpet, left to be forgotten when it'll all eventually pile up until there's no space left for anything else?

the head is pounding, throbbing in time to the dramatic beats of the classical music my brother is playing. a fierce tune.
CaT cat purred at 11:02 PM
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