.+.heart of intrigue.+.

Official Announcement

2008-09-20T09:49:00.002+08:00

I can't quite bear to delete this place yet, since its been with me for abt close to 5years, held my memories for the same duration. But until then, i probably wouldn't be updating this place anymore.

Cat

2008-09-19T23:45:00.002+08:00

i think itz amazing to realise, i've cried more in the past 5years than in the 16+years prior to that. i think it sucks, to have found out dat alot of my life was lived in a lie.. in a constant state of delusion, tellin myself nothing is wrong, everything is fine, and that i am happy..

i've been broken in so many parts, i dun think i can put myself back together again.

22nd Birthday- Night 1, 2 and 3

2008-09-18T21:41:00.021+08:00

Since i'm at it, might as well update it all at once.

the actual day of my birthday was spent going for my morning lecture before skippin off to NUS to look for Him. After his school ended, we headed to town for lunch at Tonkichi before watching Death Race which i found very entertaining. went back to his place to watch tv til we decided where to go for dinner.. our very late dinner was at Chinatown eatin dim sum with our friend, Kenneth. =)

Tonkichi lunch

Night 2 was the dinner at Blue Basil (the pics galore below in the previous post). after that, Him, mi, and our friends- Peiwei and Yanting went up to his place to drink the wine that the cute couple bought for mi. we finished the wine, n followed on with DOM. lolx.. Peiwei had 1 glass of wine and 1 Guiness Stout, He had 1 glass of wine and 1 glass of DOM neat. Yanting got drowsy after 1 glass of the wine and i had 3 glasses of wine and 3 glasses of DOM. muahahahahaa.. Is there still anyone who doubts if i can hold my liquor? Mi, Him and Peiwei drank and chatted til the first bus started at 5am. it was sweet sleep after that.

Night 3 saw us with Peiwei and Yanting again coz we made plans on Night 2 to visit Ikkoi- the japanese restaurant at Miramar Hotel, the next night. it was a feast of japanese buffet! after dinner, Peiwei wanted to watch Wall-E so we went down to The Cathay for them to buy pics and to fulfill mi and Yanting's ice-cream dessert cravings. had Ben&Jerry's until their movie was goin to start. He wanted to play pool after so we picked up Kenneth before heading to Toa Payoh. I entertained myself with my new book til it was time to leave. slept even better that night.

Complimentary appetiser served at Ikkoi.

Assorted sashimi and Tempura Mushrooms & Sweet Potato

Compliementary Seafood-Soup-in-a-Tea-Pot and Hotpot

A handful of dainty Somen in a tiny, delicate bento (fits in my palm) and Soba

Day 4- Home Sweet Home, totally exhausted. hahahaa..

This year's birthday felt very... productive and fulfilling due to all the extended celebrations.

My 22nd at Blue Basil.. FINALLY

2008-09-18T21:41:00.015+08:00

Alrite, some of you might know that i had a dinner at Blue Basil on 29th Aug, the day after my birthday. The date was chosen with my friends who are workin in mind because the actual birthday fell on a Thursday. :p

Here's the pics coz Marcus threatened to kill me if i don't upload them soon. haaa.. kidding. he did ask where the pics were......

The interior of Blue Basil

My "Thank-You-For-Attending" Chocolate Gifts.

The long table we had..

I AM NOT PHOTOGENIC!

With Faith

With Jia Yi

With the S.I.M clique who attended =)

Our helpful and patient attendant for the night with the mango cake from Rive Gauche brought by Priscilla and Kei.

Yes.. I was issuing the FIRST STAB of the cake. haaa..

Presents Time!

Now for the wacky pics..

My S.I.M guests appeared to enjoy taking pictures WITH the chocolates i bought for them..

Presenting... Faith

Su Ying

Yong En

Jia Yi

and WeiYang!

The chocolate saga continues..

and "some" of them got reeeaaalllyyy high:

Back to normalcy..

All the people who attended my humble little dinner. =)

there are no pictures of the other guests until the final group pictures because none of us except Faith and Jiayi brought cameras. lolx..

I want to thank all the people who remembered, though this might be abit late in coming.

maybe there will be a next year.. :p

2008-08-31T14:26:00.000+08:00

my birthday celebration this year became a 3-day affair. hahahahaaa.. feelin lazy for awhile so the details will have to wait.

2008-08-29T09:41:00.002+08:00

I've been away for a long time. been really busy with stuff dat i can't recall. school started and this sem will be one the most demandin ever, with school everyday startin at 9am. i need to find a good way to organise my studyin just so that i can keep up with what's going on.

waking up early for school had me zonked out everyday by late afternoon. still tryin to slp well after going to bed early and showerin late.

lookin forward to the dinner tonite, somehow.

2008-08-19T23:10:00.002+08:00

I've decided that this year's celebration will be the last one for a long while. The next time i gather my friends like this will probably be when i get my own place, or when i'm gettin married. By then, it'll probably be a way bigger party than this.

organising for others are so much better because then, rejections, reluctance or a general nonchalance wouldn't touch me. i am sick and tired of the idea of a celebration and if not for the friends who are enthusiastic abt it, i would have called it off totally and scratch it off my life as a mistake not to be committed again.

2008-08-14T23:25:00.000+08:00

Guess what?

Cat went home and rushed into the washroom immediately in an attempt to irritate her younger brother, whom she saw was heading there.

Cat used the washroom while her younger brother waited outside the door for his turn.

Cat opened the door by turning the handle to unlock it. The door swung open, with the handle still in Cat's hand.

Cat and Younger Brother stared at each other in disbelief for 5 seconds. They didn't know how to react.

Cat collapsed into laughter as Younger Brother continued his state of silent disbelief.

Cat, still helplessly laughing, stepped out of the washroom with the handle still in her hand. Younger Brother stepped into the washroom, still in silent disbelief.

They are both currently still in a state of.. Disbelief.

NOTICE!!!!!

2008-08-11T23:17:00.004+08:00

My birthday is coming soon.. like in mayb 2 weeks time. so i've been thinkin about makin more of an effort to celebrate this year, compared to how i've spent it for since... ages ago.

can't really remember a time where i had my celebration planned for mi where all i needed to do was to show up. thus, i haven't really been celebrating it much becoz organizing is a hassle and it seems pretty sad to have to plan my party myself. lolx..

anyway, i've been thinking of introducing my frens to this new restaurant dat i've discovered. i kinda really like that place, as much as i like the idea of introducing all my different groups of friends to each other n seeing sparks fly n forging some new friendships among them if they get along. i really want all my friends to know each other n become friends if they hit it off, coz dat way, i can hang out with them together at a time, rather than having different parts of my life compartmentalised for different ppl whom i noe at different stages in my life. i kinda wanna integrate everything, just like how i'll prefer ppl to noe mi as a whole person, rather than just bits and pieces of mi.

yep.. so the idea is a birthday dinner at a restaurant i like on 29th August. my bday is on 28th, but 29th is a Friday night so it will be more conducive to organising a get-together.

if this pulls through, among my sec sch ppl, i'll probably be invitin Amanda, Grace n Marcus. from S.I.M, Faith, Suying, Jia Yi, Yong En, Wei Yang, Kayee and Jillian if she's in Singapore.

if u see this, pls let mi noe if u r interested. i'm onli inviting who i feel are the key ppl among my frens so if any one of u dun feel up for it, i'll probably call this off. so tell mi. =)

Imitation Love

2008-07-30T21:26:00.001+08:00

Imitation brands.

Imitation gems.

Fake flowers.

Imitation care.

Imitation attention.

It all speaks of Imitation Love.

Exorcism

2008-07-29T09:45:00.005+08:00

I lit the match and i burnt it, a warped form of exorcism. I see the hearts appear as the wax melts down, but when I'm done there'll be none left. I see the names slowly disappear into a puddle of molten red wax, the gold glitter no longer glistening, the purple and yellow words becoming nothing.

When I'm done with it, there'll be nothing but burnt wax and black charred metal left.

Why?

Tealights are meant to be burnt, aren't they?

Why?

Simply because I hate you so.

2008-07-26T23:34:00.004+08:00

i usually receive alot of weird calls from unknown numbers, but the one i just received takes the cake.

it was from a private number and while i usually dun answer calls frm unknown numbers, i picked this one up thinkin there's no harm since i'm in a rather okie mood.

guess who?

i heard heavily accented mandarin spoken. muahahahahaaa.. n immediately, alarm bells rang off in my head as i contemplated the possibilities, or rather, the impossibility of it all.

it's strange talking to your guy's mum when u r not sure if she's aware of who u are, wat status you hold in her son's life. she asked if he was with mi, if there's anyway i noe where he can be reached, where he might be, what he might be doing, who he might be with, whether i noe who she is, and my name. i'm thankful that i greeted her properly the moment she informed mi of her status, though i knew who she was the moment i heard her voice and i'm always polite on the phone anyway, except when i'm tellin someone off with good reasons.

i wish i cld have given her the number to call, though i doubt my boy will appreciate havin his fun interrupted thanks to my tip-off. so, no. the mum din get a way to contact him coz i was afraid dat while checkin for his fren's number to give her, i'll accidentally hang up on her without meaning to. but yes, i'm worried for both the boy and his mum. i can understand 200% how she feels when she can't find him, and i'm worried he might snap at her for callin his frens.

chances r, she have the number of dat fren he's with. :p

pls dear God, let them both be happy.

2008-07-24T14:02:00.002+08:00

i think i'm destined to cry a few times each month.

putting in effort in a one-sided relationship is pointless. it is a waste of time, effort and most importantly, emotions. and people should already noe i'm a usually very restrained person who doesn't show much emotions all the time, so it's tiring when i do.

i've had enough of this emotion rollercoaster, trapped with someone who doesn't care. someone who places more importance on other people and stuff, when i'm the one he claims to love.

what's the use of hearing the words and not seeing the actions. my lecturer taught us that overpromising and under-delivering is the kiss of death. then shouldn't this godforsaken relationship be dead?

i read someone that virgoes tend to make choices with the blinders dwn.. i'm still not sure if staying or leaving is the blind choice here. i know u know wat's the right choice, but wats right for you may not be right for mi.

2008-07-23T19:21:00.001+08:00

i ask myself.. why stay with someone who doesn't love me as much as another person is willing to?

2008-07-22T01:52:00.000+08:00

I'm still having problems banishing the monsters in my head, the haunting shadows from the past. They dodge me at my every step, all over again. I wish I didn't see the things I saw, heard the things I heard, asked the questions I asked. There are no definite answers and nothing that I feel I can genuinely believe in.

Yet, I don't want to be the biggest fool on Earth. I don't want to blind myself, and admit that I let people hurt me knowingly.

My View of the Singapore Flyer's Champagne Flight

2008-07-21T10:10:00.008+08:00

Yesterday, i celebrated his 22nd birthday for him after we attended the wedding lunch of my nanny's daughter.

we went to town to run some errands before having dinner at Sushi Tei Paragon. both of us ordered their unagi bento which is one of the better ones i've tried so far.

he ordered sake too but i din take a pic of it. he didn't want the sake anymore after his 2nd cup. and one cup is about slightly bigger than a small chinese teacup. -_-lll i ended up having to finish the rest of the 3/4 bottle of sake for him.

straight after dinner, we realised we were running short of time for our booking for the Singapore Flyer's Champagne Flight. we had to check in by 8.30pm, 30mins early and by the time we were heading there from Paragon, it was about 8.15pm. he made us run after a bus!! for the first time in my life, i ran for a bus for the longest stretch of road i've even ran in town. correction: i've never ran in town until last nite. we ran from Paragon to the bus stop outside Heeren just to catch that bus. and when we alighted at Marina Square, we had to run again to reach the Singapore Flyer on time. haaaaa.. needless to say, i din get drunk from all that sake coz we were anxious about catchin our flight.

once at the Singapore Flyer, we were shown to the VIP Lounge. we were given a glass of cocktail each, with nibbles, while waitin for our flight. there was only the two of us there with all the waiters and waitresses hovering around us to make sure we were comfortable and to meet with our requests.

my view from the couch we were sitting on. air conditioned, big, cozy and extremely comfortable.

around the VIP Lounge.

we found out that there should be another couple boarding with us but they din show up. so when the time came, we were led by the personnel thru some passageway only available to us. it was a first class flight afterall, so we cut all queues since we were entitled to express boarding. cutting across all the people queuing for their turn to board their capsules was fun. they were wearin blue lanyards for the usual basic flight and we were wearin red ones with a 'Champagne' printed on our tags.

so we got on our capsule and saw the Moet and Chandon bar, with a waitress waitin to serve us. i din even have to book us a private capsule, which would have cost $2.5k. we were served champagne, chocolates and strawberries on the flight, and she helped us take as many pics as we asked her to. the capsule was built very solid, air-conditioned with benches inside and thus, we embarked on our flight to 165m high.

at the top of the flight.

Looking down.

Lights

after the 30min flight, we went to New York New York CityLink for his surprise birthday party organised by me. i was real relieved that all his friends were there and having fun by the time we got there. so it was one jovial night, with white wine, a huge Secret Recipe chocolate cake, a humongous burger known as the New York New York Challenge, and good friends gathered together to celebrate with him. we went home by about 12 midnight. really gotta thank the people at New York New York for their wonderful service and for lettin us stay til so late.

Flight + Tshirt as Birthday presents + my share of the cake = total damage of $185 for mi.

our happiness and the fun we had? Priceless. =)

2008-07-21T01:25:00.001+08:00

the planning led to a huge success. it was a great celebration today. =)

super tired. shall update soon.

2008-07-18T23:50:00.002+08:00

the reason why i don't celebrate my birthday for the past few years is because, i got tired of planning and organising tiny details, trying to make it a complete event that will work smoothly. i thought it will lose meaning if i have to plan for myself, something that my 'friends' should be doing if i mean that much. to put it simpler, i will feel like i'm tryin to make myself seem more important to others than i actually am, through a shallow facade put up by me.

okie.. that doesn't look simple upon revision. the simplest version: i will feel that i'm seeking attention from people who don't willingly give it. and i have too much pride to ever want to put myself in the position of an emotion beggar.

yet, i'm currently knee deep in organising something for someone. seriously, i hate wading through details and trying to get people together. the one department i will never want to work in will be Personnel, or Human Resources. unless i have so much clout that people have to jump to attention if i so much as lift a pinky finger.

but i seem to be rather good at this. n organising can be fun sometimes. i guess the best comes out only when i'm doin it for someone else, and that's when the adrenaline rush for trying to make things work kick in. maybe i can consider a future as wedding planner or something. haa..

but left to my own devices, i probably wouldn't be celebrating my birthday again this year. :p

2008-07-13T13:28:00.001+08:00

i think my more insightful posts are at my previous place. i'm slowly leavin this place with only 'comic relief' moments.

2008-07-13T00:04:00.004+08:00

because i am bored, i shall post some boring pictures of boring things.

this is an example of one of Cat's weird inclinations

the Before picture of a meal at Mos Burger.

After.

Close up on tray.

i'm a really nice customer, ain't i?

2008-07-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

this is the author of this blog.

not too subtle at photowhoring, am i? lolx..

2008-07-08T15:50:00.002+08:00

been doing some tweaking to my previous place todae.. think it's so much classier over there now than here, a place still stuck in teenage angst.

2008-07-07T23:16:00.002+08:00

read this article on Yahoo! which i think is.. enlightening.

10 Signs That You're Dating a Commitment-Ready Guy
by Caroline Presno, Ed.D,. P.C.C

1. His friends are married
If you are interested in a guy, check out his friends' left hands to see if they have wedding rings on. Research has show that if his friends are already married, he's more likely to get married. If all of his friends are still single and in the "party-with-the-boys" phase, that's a bad sign.

2. He's financially secure
Studies show that men who own a home are more marriage-ready. A man who is generally financially stable, and has his ducks in a row, feels marriage is a practical next step for him.

3. He pursues you
The guy who is commitment-ready is going to initiate doing things with you. If you're emailing him and he takes days to email you back, if you have to text him to find out where he is, if you are always calling him, you're chasing a man who's probably not marriage-material.

4. He's willing to wait
Yes, research is telling us what we already know: If a guy gets to know you before getting intimate, he is more likely to commit.

5. He watches DVDs with you when you're sick
Taking care of you when you're sick shows that this guy isn't just in it for the fun and sex. If he wants to be with you in bad times, it's a sign he's in it for the long haul.

6. He gets to know your friends and family
A guy who is thinking long-term wants to truly get to know you. Seeing you interact with your family and friends helps him learn where you come from and more about who you are. The flip side of it is that he will also want you to get to know him! He'll want to see if you fit in with his family and friends. A guy who keeps you separate from the important people in his life is just playing around.

7. He says, "we" instead of "me"
When he switches from "me" to "we", that's a sign he's committing to you at a deeper level. If your guy is all, "I", "me", and "my" instead of "we" and "us" in conversations after you've been dating a while, his mindset is still in single guy mode.

8. He's not afraid of compromise
A commitment-ready guy is going to ask your opinion, consult you about decisions he needs to make, and has the ability to meet you half-way. A bull-headed guy who needs everything his way or it's the highway, isn't ready for the compromise that's naturally part of a mature relationship.

9. He doesn't need excuses
Commitment-phobic guys always have an excuse about why they can't be with you on Saturday night, why they didn't call, and why they aren't ready for a relationship right now. A commitment-ready guy doesn't need excuses, he just needs you.

10. He likes being in a long-term relationship
Some men like being in a monogamous relationship and some don't. The sooner you realize and accept this the better. If he complains all the time about needing space, treats you like a giant burden instead of a gift, and keeps talking about taking things slow, he's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. On the other hand, if he's done with the party scene, enjoys your "couple time" together, and has a strong sense of family, you've found a commitment-ready guy.

i feel depressed already.. i don't like my not-very-commitment-ready guy.

2008-07-03T10:42:00.002+08:00

i did the most incredibly stupid/blur thing, AGAIN.

i know that school starts at 9am. n i set my alarm at 7.30, thinking i'll wake up earlier than usual so i wun be late since the teacher locks the door at 9am sharp.

sounds fine so far?

so, i woke up at 7.30 and prepared til about 8.30, when i left the house thinkin i'll get to school on time.

does dat still sound fine?

when sch is in clementi, and the bus ride takes up 45mins.

n when the bus came at abt 8.50+, i boarded it thinkin itz damn crowded as usual n i'm lucky to get seats. n i was happily on the bus checkin the time n noting that 'itz 9. i'll still get there on time' until something felt wrong n i thought deeper n more consciously 'class starts at 9am sharp'

omg......

it struck mi dat i'm late n i must be crazy or have my brain too fogged up not to realise my mistake til den.. so i crossed the bridge n took the bus headed home, den remembered i can enter class durin break time.. ugh..

my blurness knows no boundaries..

2008-07-02T23:34:00.002+08:00

met up with Manda for dinner at Mos Burger again. Manda! Marcus say must invite him nxt time. lolx..

we were there from around 4.45 til 9.30+. that's like almost 5hrs, so long dat even the auntie workin as the cashier commented that we r very capable for being able to stay there so long coz if she was to do dat, she'll get very tired.

new module started. itz Prof Csipak again! haste is waste, less is more. haaa.. shld be alrite, except dat i dun have a grp for the project work yet. i hate it when this happens. but i think itz inevitable, seeing that i'm surrounded by unfamiliar ppl who r familiar with each other. :p

does dat make sense?

2008-07-01T21:58:00.000+08:00

I am the queen of bad luck. how else do you explain watching my money enter a cash deposit machine, with my very own eyes, and watching the screen promptly flash "This CDM is temporarily out of service. Please call ######### for assistance."

to add insult to injury, the amount i was depositing was more than the total amount in my account.

2008-07-01T13:55:00.006+08:00

i have nothing much to blog about and was thinking of sacrificing my bro by postin his pics up. lolx.. but i've decided to save it for another time.. and if i end this post nw, will anyone get frustrated by the time i just wasted making you read those useless stuff above? hhaaahaa..

okie.. i have a liking for taking pics of lights.

cabs queueing..

cars on the road..

and spot the ferris wheel. the pic looks betta full sized.

and if zoom doesn't make my pics smaller, i'll use it all the time.

datz all folks.

2008-06-26T23:35:00.004+08:00

i forgot to add that i'm super happy that Jillian Claire Lim Jing Jing confided her troubles to mi yesterday. even though we are thousands of miles away, u can talk to mi- email/offline msgs/snail mail/ tags/ msn. okiez? =) i wouldn't judge, i wouldn't probe if you don't wanna tell. so dun worry.

2008-06-26T23:24:00.002+08:00

okiez. the paper is over! but it'll still be hectic with class registration for Fall and classes for the new module starting next week.

went off to town after the paper and met Sandra on the bus. Accompanied her to get her haircut at Ginrich Heeren for awhile. caught Wanted and it was cool! worth the money and Angelina Jolie looks hot, in a scary way. i don't really like her but she looked good, still in a scary way. i don't know why but she looks abit scary to me. very.. feral.

i'm hoping to catch 21 and Deception next. =)

2008-06-25T22:02:00.002+08:00

i am procrastinating. procrastinating is what i do best.

i don't feel like studyin AT ALL!!! =( and the exam is tomorow..

i'm here harrassing my bro, typing empty words, wasting time so that i can convince myself that i'm done with studying when i'm not!!

amanda, i need ur kind of patient memory work. but i can't memorise things to save my life, especially not when nothing is registering.

i'm in hell. i'm suffering. i hate studying. no more books for this poor soul. argghhhhhhh....

2008-06-24T11:33:00.003+08:00

another of my cousins have fallen into one of the last two existing legal forms of slavery. lolx..

He have officially taken his first step into the risky world of romance, at the ripe young age of 19. :p

i don't know what i'm feeling excited for, but i guess news like these always makes me go into hyper mode, the same way news about weddings does.

maybe it's because i don't understand why there are people who still have the confidence to enter into such unions despite all the sad endings around us.

i think it's a blind, foolish confidence, but i do envy their faith.

2008-06-23T00:00:00.002+08:00

i've found the words.

sometimes, i hate him for turning me into the person that i am now. i know it is my choice what kind of decisions i make and who i turn out to be, but there are times when i really despise this person that i've become.

this person that i've become, is either nonchalant about anything that happens, or cynical. it's like nothing touches me anymore, and i can only watch on from the sidelines and laugh things off when they get too close.

this person that i've become, trusts almost nobody and plays almost anybody. sometimes it's horrifying the way i seem to treat people as if they can be manipulated and used. it feels terrible when the bitterness overwhelms and i'm just a cynical, morbid shell. i seem to have hopes for others except myself.

this person i've become, is paranoid and insecure.. and it is easier to just blame it all on him. he did play a part, for the wreck that i've become. i want to dream of beautiful things, but for now i'm shackled fast.

and like now, i really do hate him.

2008-06-22T22:50:00.002+08:00

thursday's final exams. i finished the entire series of Liar Game and am pms-ing with no mood to study. i dun wanna lash out at anyone but i have a sinking sensation that given the slightest chance, i'll pick a fight and feel miserable after.

it feels like i have alot that i need to get off my chest, with no words to say them.. it is frustrating, extremely so. i wonder how i am gonna slp tonite, n if i might just end up skippin class tomorow..

2008-06-21T13:20:00.002+08:00

another post about food. =) this time abt the pretty n delicious things i've eaten on outings.

behold... beef sukiyaki and some omelette thingy from Shokudo.

Porridge at 5am, and Yuan Yang Mala and Chicken Soup Steamboat from Ting Yuan.

Lycheetini and Cosmopolitan, Strawberry and Fruits Parfait from Gelare.

Sugar Stars courtesy of Kenneth's mum during CNY and pretty pink Jap snacks!

Kaisen Don and Hokke Cream Fish from Ajitei.

i'm rediscovering my passion for food, both in discovering tasty and good-looking food, as well as cooking my own. re-discovering coz i've always had an interest since young, from cuttin shapes in cheese, makin jellies and desserts to baking and nw, cooking. =) i like taking pics too, so more pics coming up soon.

2008-06-17T23:50:00.004+08:00

i've been doing work like the good lil' person i am. n since i'm hungry nw, i shall post some pics of the things i've cooked up some time this year.. starting from the simplest... :p

Storebought Glutinous Rice Balls with Peanut Fillings, in Soup boiled from Wolfberries in Yellow Rock Sugar and water.

to.... Mini Handmade Plain Glutinous Riceballs in Wolfberries and Yellow Rock Sugar Soup again.

to......Fried Handmade Wontons

to.... Corn and Carrot Chicken Soup..

to... a full meal.. Fried Rice, Fried Wontons with Corn and Wonton soup.

all by mi!! from scratch. no soup stocks, msg, or any other shortcuts used. all fresh n raw ingredients like flour, corn on the cob, raw minced meat yada yada.. yes. even the chicken soup was boiled by mi for hours, startin with just raw chicken drumsticks n water n standing guard at all times. :p

hungry?

2008-06-15T00:27:00.002+08:00

just cooked instant noodles for my brother and mi. we were hungry and i tempted him away from sleeping it off by volunteering to cook. :p

reminds mi of the old days when during the weekends, my eldest cousins would stay over. on such occasions, my parents will allow me to stay up later to watch old Hong Kong movies with my cousins. otherwise. hothouse flower me will be ushered off to bed by 9pm. i guess staying up past bedtime never loses itz appeal for kids.

it all felt like a great adventure to 5yr old mi back then.. even til i was in pri school. and during these 'adventures', my cousin would cook a pot of 3 packets of instant noodles for us to share, using chopsticks and tiny porcelain bowls, huddled in front of the tv. n since i've never been too proficient with chopsticks, they'll help mi ladle the food and then we'll sit n finish the show, slurping happily away. after we've finished, we'll rush off during one of the commercial breaks to wash up the dishes and return to the show again. when showtime's over, we'll quietly creep back into our own rooms to bed.

and it felt the same just now.. except this time, i'm the elder one taking care n providing for the younger one.

2008-06-14T00:28:00.002+08:00

just got home from a birthday party at J Bar in M Hotel. ya.. itz alot of alphabets.

were the earliest there coz we thought it will be a dinner gathering since we were told to arrive at 8.30pm. turns out people onli started arriving 1hr later. had 2 martinis by then. a lycheetini and a cosmopolitan. wanted to try out all the others such as peppermintini, raspberritini, strawberritini.. u get the drift. it was a 1 for 1 deal. but gulping 2 glasses down on a rather empty stomach made mi abit tipsy so i stopped.

so there was drinking, 3 cakes, hot girls, alot of noise. too bad i had to leave early.

there will probably be pics, since i was made to take a bunch with the other girls. but we all noe it takes ages before the ppl with the pics can actually be bothered to send them out so.. dun hold ur breath waiting. :p

2008-06-13T00:21:00.003+08:00

midterm 2 wasn't very fantastic so i guess doing fabulously for finals is no longer an option. :p

met up with Amanda for dinner at Mos Burger. i noe.. i'm supposed to diet but mi n hunger dun get along too well. Mos burger have a new product called the konnyaku drink dat comes in the flavours of grape, peach or orange. it is some sort of a very liquid jelly, not just tiny cubes of it. the whole drink is basically a huge piece of extremely soft jelly contained in a bottle of 220ml. my very picky brother actually loved the drink so i think most people would find it nice too. the bottle size is perfect as girl-weights so i bought 2 bottles. intending to share the drinks with my bro before filling the empty bottles with water or something to use as weights.

this post is also to reassure Amanda dat she wun have to check the news for whether i've gone missing.

catching up with her was enjoyable. itz a gd thing we never really run out of topics to talk abt. even though we talk abt the same few topics such as skincare, clothes n people, there's always something new to add each time. new revelations, new information. mayb itz becoz we seldom do alot of talkin nowadays, but i don't think that's the case. itz a contribution but i think, even if we hang out more, we still wun run out of conversation. which is good coz with many other people, i'll usually eventually reach the stage where i no longer have any things to say to further the conversations. i'm super good at puttin abrupt endings to conversations coz neither party knows how to continue on the subject.

there's a bday party to attend tomorow, followed by deadlines for the next few weeks til finals. 2 weeks i think. ugh.. 1 week to complete a group report n prepare a presentation, followed by finals. followed by the nxt module for another 6 weeks. life is a rush of events..

fat cat

2008-06-06T10:46:00.003+08:00

been eatin way too heartily these daes.

was treated to an ice cream buffet on wednesday at Novena. Mingles is the name of the place, situated between Velocity and Novena Square. gosh.. thinkin abt ice cream now still makes mi sick. i ate like 8 scoops of ice cream in an hr. the ice cream buffet comes with free-flow of waffles dribbled with chocolate sauce and ur choice of drinks. the price is around $16+ per person. think this deal is very suitable to girls especially since itz perfect as a girl-gathering place. so far, the place is usually quiet n they serve other food besides ice cream. the mint chocolate was nice, and 3 scoops out of my 8 were of rocky road coz the mashmellows inside were too cute. i was filled up with it til abt 9+pm, by a few tiny pieces of waffles n 8 scoops.. do not underestimate ice cream.

watched Narnia on Weds too, after the ice cream. it was not bad.

den i had like pasta for dinner late last nite. spaghetti bolognese at the California Pizza place in Forum. there were a series of screw ups for our orders. first, my fren's salad din have salmon though it was requested while orderin. den, i found a strand of hair, not belonging to mi, in my pasta after the first bite. think the servers there absolutely hated our table. i was quite worried when they served mi a new bowl after i informed them abt the hair. the servers had to come to our table alot of times. first, to take back the salad n come back with a new one. den to get us our warm water after the 2nd request. den to send us condiments. and finally, to serve mi a new bowl of pasta. -_-lll i was quite afraid dat my pasta wld be spiked with.. wateva yucky things they'll wanna get revenge with. the serving for my pasta was enuf for 2 n i was absolutely bloated after finishin it all by myself, with a teeny bit of help. it wasn't the best i had, but itz not too bad. they ended up givin us a 15% discount n a $10 voucher though we were amicable throughout. datz gd service. haa.. the original receipt dat wld have amounted to $70+, din even touch $60 after their voluntary discount for us. =)

n since this post is abt how much i've been eatin n how fat i'm gonna get, i shld mention dat i ate a packet of instant noodles, topped with cheese yesterday morning. and cup noodles for yesterday's lunch.

n nw, this mornin.. i cooked scrambled eggs topped with cheddar cheese n 2 slices of toasted wholemeal bread. i noe itz entirely too late to salvage my health. lolx.. n dun think dat it doesn't sound like much. itz 3 eggs beaten together with some milk, cooked in a pan lined with a whole chunk of melted butter, n topped with a slice of totally unneccessary cheddar cheese. n dat was at 10+am, with a full day ahead of me still.

ugh.. feelin super sick of myself. i ought to start eatin salads n fruits for all my meals for at least 1 week.

i'll always land on my size 5 feet.

2008-06-01T21:00:00.002+08:00

life is kinda painful. n ppl who visit my blog really ought to remember to feed my pet bunny at the side. i look at the perpetually half empty food bar nowadays n feel fed up. it was always full until the past month. even if itz a cyber pet, i like thinking itz well taken care of.

i still feel pain whenever i think abt the recent happenings. i've succeeded in brushin it off most of the time but it comes back once in awhile when i slip n allow myself to think too deeply. i have so many skeletons in the closet, so many unwanted memories haunting me, itz difficult to sweep them away by myself sometimes.

i'll manage. i always do. this is the important place for me to vent n balance my emotions so i can wear the same happy face for the world, the way i always do. cat will always be able to find a smile.

2008-05-28T10:11:00.002+08:00

alrite. i seem to have forgotten to blog about this new semester. so far, it isn't hectic, but there will be deadlines coming up every week so it'll probably be a bumpy ride.

relationship wise.. i'm still tryin to sieve through information, trying to sort out the confusion in my mind. there r alot of things that i do not want to believe or think about. reality sucks but i'm trying to get used to the way things r now. life feels so different now. it's great that i have friends who will support mi.

2008-05-24T00:33:00.002+08:00

i hate apologies. i hate the lackadaisical attempt to tie up loose ends. i hate apologies that come just for the sake of fulfilling a duty, or to quickly settle things so that any unhappiness can be swiftly swept under and out of sight.

is it that hard to do things right, from the beginning? i don't think it's any harder than doing something badly or wrongly then end up having to apologise and make up for it. in fact, it's easier and saves a whole lot of time and trouble, without all the unhappiness. so why do people insist on bungling things up and then trying to salvage the situation by apologising afterwards? is it such a high to make others unhappy? especially the ones who supposedly matters most? if they matter most, why weren't they worth enough effort to do things properly for in the first place?

i don't like "sorry dear"s. a hundred of them wouldn't be enough to appease me. it just show that i wasn't important enough in the first place, and that i'm thought as easily fobbed off with an apology. no, that doesn't cut it with me.

i hate sweet nothings especially when i'm angry. it just shows people think i'm stupid enough not to be able to see through the insincerity of it all.

2008-05-23T00:42:00.003+08:00

following up on the pretty pink fuchsia paint.

two police officers came over to my house to check out the scene. grandma was still on edge so they got a earful of grievances. lolx..

i was the first witness so they had to take my statement. it was exactly like how the tv dramas show it to be, not dat i was hurled into some dark cell n interrogated. dat treatment is reserved for criminals or suspected criminals. their shoes must have been troublesome to take off so they took my statement at my corridor, with them askin questions and scribbling down my answers. so exciting!!! lolx.. allow mi my bimbotic moments.

the 2 of them had a gd sense of humour. said the colour was pretty, which i totally agreed with. haaa.. i was told dat the usual paint colours were black, white or red. this was the first time they saw pink paint splashed. wheeee!!! i feel super honoured, secretly. if my family members knew i harboured such deviant thoughts, i'll probably die frm being nagged at.

after they left, i was delegated the task of wiping off the pink paint on the wooden door, while my grandma cleaned up the metal gate. by then, the paint was dry n we had a limited amount of kerosene to use, so wipin took alot of strength, effort n time. it was a lil' pity to see the pink paint go n by the end of it, i was super tired.

went out for dinner and caught Indianna Jones 4 after. itz pretty good. no spoilers from mi. rather worth the money. =)

first week of sch's officially over n my part of the assignment's done. yay!!

2008-05-22T14:18:00.003+08:00

there's alot of drama happening in my life lately.

came home from sch at 2pm n saw my house addressed scribbled in the lift with black marker ink. not exactly my house address. more like my house addressed written n cancelled off with the correct address scribbled above it. it's just 1 number difference afterall.

O $ P $
#0?-1103

talk abt stupidity. can't even get a simple address right. but datz not all.

i got off the lift n saw the same thing, this time with the right address, scribbled on the wall beside my door. den, as i was reaching for my keys, i was greeted with a stunning sight.

my house door was splashed with bright fuchsia-pink paint. -_-lll both the metal gate n the wooden door. n the paint wasn't fully dry yet.

on a brighter note, at least the colour is pretty. den logic snapped in n i wondered how the hell am i supposed to open the door to get in?! i dunnoe a wide repertoire of vulgarities but i was mentally letting off a whole slew of them n inventin new ones by den.

if i take a pic now, my grandma n dad will probably scold mi. so i dun have a pic.

nw grandma's angry n callin the cops. they should make sure the police officers answering the phone can speak all sorts of dialects.

2008-05-15T10:48:00.003+08:00

it's only during my lowest moments that i learn to appreciate my life.

thinking about how my life has been so far, i think i can conclude that i've been a lucky and loved person.

since young, i've been the apple of my parents' eyes, their little princess whom they'll shelter from all the storms, while trying to provide me the best they can. from education, to caring for me, they've always kept me in their protective little bubble and kept the hardest knocks at bay, even until now. and having had this all the while, it's easy to take it for granted and neglect how much they truly love me. now that i'm getting older, i can better understand the reason for the things they do, and it's easy to see that it's been hard on them loving me the way they did.

my nanny too. my extended family, with her daughter and son who are both elder than me and treated me as their little sister since young til now. though i'm not at their house everyday anymore like how i was for my first 16years, the distance haven't dampened their importance to me, nor their concern over me and my brother. it's impossible to imagine how i can get to where i am without them in my life. my nanny is like my surrogate mother, taking care of us on my mother's behalf, my hardworking mother who tires herself out daily at work to help provide for us.

my grandma loves me too. it's easy to tell from how she always nags me and my brother to eat, even though we are not hungry. it's easy to tell from how she continues providing for us though me and my brother can be really spoilt brats sometimes, how she keeps the house spick and span so that we will be comfortable, and how she teaches me stuff. she doesn't ask us for anything, yet she's always giving.

my cousins and relatives all care for me. even the latest additions to the big family, my cousin's wife and my little niece. it makes me happy that my cousins and i have become closer throughout these years, the support that's always there.

my friends loves me too. since primary school, even though i was really spoilt and snobbish, they still accepted me and gave their friendship freely, forgiving me for all the stupid things i do. Mira, you are at my side throughout all these years, until now and hopefully into the future. my first true best friend. thank you.

then i grew up, and went to secondary school. even though not everyone loves me as they did in primary school, i've met people who have stuck by me all these years, showering me with concern and suport when i need it most. like Amanda, whom i feel endlessly grateful towards for being in my life all these years, for treating me as her best friend. Marcus, who'll extend help when i need and ask for it, who'll drop me a message even when he's training overseas, Yong Lee, who'll keep me company whenever i feel lonely, who'll crack stupid jokes and make me laugh. who gives in to me always. Grace, who tells me she'll pray for me, who cares for me though we haven't seen each other for a long time. there are alot others but they are just abit more distant. =)

jc was too short to make lasting friendships. but it was one of the major turning points in my life coz i met someone there. someone who shared 4+years with me. and along that, i met new people whom i wouldn't have known otherwise. people who wouldn't always be there, but will try to be when they can. and knowing that they'll try, that's good enough for me.

university. alot of fun. Jillian, u know i'll always love you n dote on you. you are like a little sister to me. kayee, my wifey! she never fails to think on my behalf and take care of me and it is good to know her life is going well. baby ben chua, who'll make me laugh when i talk to him, who cares deeply for friends. and of course, Faith, Suying, Jiayi, YongEn, WeiYang and Johan. i wondered how i spent uni life before without really knowing you people until the last semester. thanks for always caring, always accepting me, for helping me learn to enjoy school, and for giving me advice though i'm such an idiot who ends up doing things my own way anyway. thank you for not judging, for supporting me.

yep. so i guess i'm a much loved person, though i haven't done anything to deserve any of it. and i feel lucky for having them, my spotlights in the darkest moments. and i can never fully express my gratitude towards them, and how thankful i am to them for being in my life, for being the people they are. i hope i haven't made anyone teary with this.

trust in me. i am strong. i'll never fail to climb out of the pits and into the sunshine where all of you await. i have springs under my feet afterall. =)

2008-05-12T08:43:00.003+08:00

didn't sleep last night. tried hard but couldn't, with all the things i've learnt swimming endlessly in my mind. and i can't breathe. my heart was pounding hard and fast the whole night, like a ticking bomb.

heard my dad get up at 4+, and after i realised that i really couldn't get to sleep, i got up and went to the kitchen where he was reading the newspapers. we chatted. it was easy to appear strong in the wee hours when reality seems distanced by a sheet of glass. i thought i was getting over things. but now in the daylight, it hurts. it hurts too much. the pain in unbearable.

and i thought of drinking things numb. but that will only damage my health and make the ones who love me worry. part of me is still hoping that all this isn't real. another part is still in denial, disbelief and shock. another part is trying to grasp reality and work with it.

he's never been just mine. i think. even from the beginning..

2008-05-11T21:37:00.003+08:00

spent the entire evening in a daze of heartache.. sth seems to be squeezing my lungs, i can't breathe, i'm drownin. i've lost the energy to move, to eat, to do anything than figuring out the stuff in my head, the images in my mind, the tears i wanna hide. there's almost nth to do but cry or drift blankly, where the hurt isn't that sharp. n i can't think foolish thoughts like dyin becoz there r ppl who care.. n itz not worth it being so upset.

i've been betrayed in the worst way.. the way i never thought would happen..

don't ask.. when itz all sorted out, i'll answer to ppl who are concerned. in the meanwhile, i have to be alone.

2008-05-11T10:48:00.002+08:00

after dashing around the whole week, with late nights, i am officially very tired. i am tired of all the uncertainty too, and the nagging suspicions. think it is my problem and not his. he's said all that can be said towards reassuring an insecure girlfriend.

throughout these 4yrs+, i've relaxed my expectations and standards a whole lot until i'm almost an entirely different person than how i was before i met him. not sure if that's a good thing. but still, the relaxed expectations are still not low enough for me to be content with what he's willing to do for me, which is actually very little in my opinion.

materially, i feel guilty whenever he pays, which is most of the time. he doesn't give me the things i want, but cheap substitutes or maybe even something that i don't like at all. most of his friends are dubious characters that i certainly don't approve of, and worries me when he hangs out with them. and there are always girls trying to get with him, one after another.

emotionally, it feels kinda barren. we hang out together, but it's self-soothe time when i'm unhappy. it's like he can't stand by me and help mi shoulder any of the burdens and life's dificult times. he'll put up a flimsy performance of doing so, but it feels like alot of smoke. i can't be fluffy clouds and sunshine all the time. he doesn't share anything with me unless i ask, and then it'll feel like digging. it's kinda lonely being in a relationship with him. sometimes it's like dating someone who isn't there at all.

and i know i'm stupid for still not walking away. so don't tell me that.

2008-05-10T09:50:00.002+08:00

we fight each time the name pops up.

attended the wedding dinner of my pri sch fren, Jin Xin, last nite. was seated at the table along with the other pri sch ppl. Mira, if u rmb any of them: Hui Teng, Aloysius, Ren Hui, Ailing, Lifen/Mabel, See Wee, Yen Poh and Sharon. haven't seen them in forever and it as fun. hope we'll really get together and hang out soon, without the need of any wedding invites to provide the occasion to do so.

it was held at The Chevron. the club was pretty, the restaurant had good service despite the relatively small size. the food wasn't spectacular but it wasn't bad either. had 2 and 1/2 glasses of red wine. tipsy sober drink tipsy sober drink... most of the others onli drank F&N Orange. haaaa.. mi and tri were the earliest among them to reach and i was finishing my first glass of wine by the time they reached. Lifen and See Wee tried to make us drink alot by daring each other to dry the whole glass of alcohol at one shot. tri ended up drinkin 2 n 1/2 glasses of red wine and 1 glass of chivas. Yen Poh's bf was a gd sport for drinkin with tri too. not dat tri is an alcoholic. he drank coz ppl asked/dared him to. hahhaaa.. Lifen is nuts. can't let her near too much alcohol coz she'll make ppl drink. ALOT.

it was fun attending becoz we din let the years in between hold us back. n i think Jin Xin will have a happy marriage. she looked ready and the groom looked happy. seems like nothing dat might happen in the future will faze them too much.

2008-05-07T23:14:00.002+08:00

hands up those who think that females have better instincts than males, and can better see through the subtle manipulations and tricks of other females compared to guys.

why is it that for voicing out my suspicions, i am the big bad wolf while the manipulative bitches are always the clean innocent lambs? because i am more direct? because i don't believe in having to resort to artifice when interacting with him? what is wrong with being more real and outspoken anyway? am i to treat him the way i treat some other people? with careful steps and subtle manipulations?

so far, my instincts about the females around him have always turned out to be accurate. why is it that for voicing out my worries and insecuritites, i am the one at fault?

and i saw the girl's sms today, and her blog address on his internet history again. he went through some trouble recalling the correct address, and it was all there for me to see. on our monthsary. how fantastic. why does he choose to be dense when her intentions are so blatant? why did he who doesn't enjoy blogs try so hard to recall her address just because he was bored?

and why am i the one to suffer through all this?

2008-05-07T08:09:00.002+08:00

been having him in my dreams for 2 consecutive weeks, my long loss secondary school love.

alright. he's not exactly missing. it's more like we've become familiar strangers, people who once knew each other, but are now just acquaintances. not that i ever had the chance to know him well enough. not that it ever had the chance of developing into anything more than unrequited love. and he was my one true love. the only one i loved unconditionally, without selfishness, steadfast for more than 4 years. that even now, he is a weakness.

think the purest form of love happens in crushes.

it's a kind of sweet torture seeing him in my dreams each week. wistful. and in my dreams, he was just like how i knew him back then. gentle, caring.. we'll probably have no chance of meeting again, and all that's left are random msn conversations that happens once in awhile. he gotta stop appearing in my dreams uninvited cause it'll make me miss the good old days that are better left behind.

2008-05-03T23:02:00.002+08:00

head hurts so bad, i feel nauseous. AGAIN.

not talking about something wouldn't make it disappear. forgetting something wouldn't mean it never happened. nothing that once used to be something can be rendered non-existent.

so why are things continuously brushed under the carpet, left to be forgotten when it'll all eventually pile up until there's no space left for anything else?

the head is pounding, throbbing in time to the dramatic beats of the classical music my brother is playing. a fierce tune.

2008-04-26T02:28:00.002+08:00

got home from meeting up with Priscilla. went to have mala steamboat at Liang Seah Street in Bugis. chatted alot, learnt alot. hung out at Mos Burger after, before switchin to walkin around and settling down in Mac.

saw Marcus in Bugis again. lolx.. the previous time i bumped into him was also in Bugis, when i went to have mala steamboat with Priscilla. such a coincidence. i'm thinkin he keeps hangin out in Bugis. he was with his army frens n were pacin around the place aimlessly. it was nice seeing him anyway.

kinda liberating, to be out like this, unshackled. though it feels abit lonely dat he doesn't concern himself to contact mi, it was kinda gd in a carefree way. itz high time i freed myself to live my life the way i wanna live it. it might take a lil' practice in the meanwhile, since i've had my wings clipped for such a long time. i can get used to this.

2008-04-20T18:35:00.003+08:00

and the friction arises in every conversation, conflicts that errode huge chunks of me with each blow. and i seem powerless to stop the destruction, to halt or reverse the course of things. it seems a sin that i have words to express my emotions. and i fear things will just go on until we end up hating each other, until you inevitably hate me.

2008-04-19T23:31:00.002+08:00

received my first wedding invite in this life. it's addressed to me, not my parents. but of course, it is from a friend, not some relative.

i look at the ivory and silver card, their names, the interlinked hearts printed on the cover, and feel envious. the bride is my age, my mum's age when she got married. when she first called me to ask if i can go, i was flabbergasted. there's someone in this current age, gettin married at this young age like my mum did, like what i hope for.

i want a marriage like my parents'. i'll like to follow in my mum's footsteps. so as i look at the invitation, beneath the happiness i feel for them, it's envy mingled with wistfulness..

2008-04-15T23:37:00.000+08:00

i think there are some things in this world that i will never get used to. which kinda suck, coz most of these stuff are in the 'bad' category of my life.

2008-04-13T09:38:00.002+08:00

Definitely, Maybe.

i got home and thought about the question, "So what did you learn from the movie?" i think the only thing that came across to mi the strongest was- what should be will eventually be, with a big emphasis on 'eventually'. it is like no matter how much things are rushed, they'll only end up as detours until the right time has come.

2008-04-12T09:48:00.002+08:00

i learnt that just putting two people who gets along together wouldn't be enough to make a good relationship. what becomes gradually important with time are the similarities and differences between them. the deal makers or breakers.

people who get along can just be friends if they are too different. in friendships, we embrace the differences we have. in a relationship, too little similarities will inevitably lead to clashes, especially if there aren't much acceptance and tolerance between the partners.

oh well...

2008-04-08T23:19:00.003+08:00

my desktop: tryin to psych myself into studyin for finals.

the $8 sharksfin and abalone noodles i had for dinner was good. so was the walk with my parents and grandma around Terminal 3. =) spirits lifted for a night finally. tiring but contented, that is if i don't think of vexing issues. today ended up being kinda happy, something i haven't felt in awhile.

2008-04-08T09:32:00.002+08:00

my life now feels like i've woken up from a dream that i can't go back into. i seem to know that we can't ever recover what we've lost, like there's no turning back.

2008-04-07T09:45:00.004+08:00

haa.. last night was an experience, the first time i actually tried drinking my sorrows away. its handy having all sorts of hard liquor around the house with no one who drinks them.

and so once i again, i made a big mess of things. that led me to the bottle. had the intention of finishing up the bottle of red wine in the fridge, the other types of alcohol being too much to take. i didn't really wanted to get oblivious after all.

it was stupid. gulping down 2 glasses of red wine in rapid succession, on an empty stomach. i could finally understand why people enjoy drinking. there's a kind of careless freedom there, like nothing could hurt you, not that i have the intention of doing this often and turning myself into an alcoholic.

so balanced on that precarious edge of sobriety, i called a friend and came clean with all i've done with my life, which was to basically screw it up a hundred times over more than what anyone else can do. it was hilarious, but there wasn't really much pain. it felt like i was insulated with bubblewrap, yet carefree and brave. a phone call that lasted almost 3hours, as everything came spilling out.

things that now, in the light of day, i'm weakening against. now, with the carelessness gone, i'm once again considering how much more hurt i can take without hurting.

2008-04-06T21:53:00.001+08:00

tired. sick n tired of the overwhelming emotions, and the lack of them. itz blessed relief when i can forget for awhile. but it comes back n the pain expands.

slowly losing my mind.

2008-04-05T21:40:00.004+08:00

lost in a maze where heart and mind war. there's no one to save me, no one who can help. but i'm just a scared person, trying to block things out. torn between two paths, i can't take the first step.

and each night, tears visit.

2008-04-04T21:24:00.001+08:00

today's been one of the worst days ever.. and i keep sinking deeper.

2008-04-03T19:41:00.003+08:00

there's a hole in my heart, with nothing i can fill in it. it gets bigger day by day, a gaping emptiness, bleak black. and with it, i can't breathe. yet it was my choice to walk away, because there's hurt for you either way. and i wish we can turn back time, or stop it when it was all good. then we wouldn't have holes in our hearts, left to carry on alone. if you know me, know that i'm suffering too. for us, for you, for what i've denied out of cowardice. but i did what i thought was best for you. because i have no promises left.

2008-04-03T00:19:00.002+08:00

and the memories comes back, the sights we saw, the scents and the emotions felt. but i cannot hold them, what i was never meant to have. and while i'm missing.. my silence shall be kept.

2008-03-30T06:45:00.002+08:00

just got home after a trip to Mount Vernon and breakfast.

tombsweeping. was instructed to wake at 4.30 so that the whole family can leave the house at 4.45 to be the first people at Mount Vernon. the carpark there was empty when we got there, and full when we left. the rest of the relatives went for their annual tradition of breakfast with my grandma, while my family left for our own breakfast, having no interest in what they were goin to eat.

mum n dad went for roti prata at the market, my bro went along to get it taken-away home, while i went to an entirely different coffeeshop by myself for porridge. i guess to others, my family might seem abit dispersed and isolated.

gettin sleepy.

2008-03-28T18:26:00.004+08:00

time to update about today, since it's not often that i sleep for a maximum of 4hours only.

so i got up at 3.30am and started getting hungry since i didn't eat dinner last night. craved for my usual comfort food- porridge and as a result, walked my mum to her bus stop at 5.45am because it was along the way of the coffeeshop that has the earliest porridge stall open around my house. felt odd when my mum insisted on walking with me to the coffeeshop and staying while i ordered. turns out that she wanted to pay for me. talk about being heartwarming. =) so she left after passing mi the money, along with her colleague.

sitting there at the coffeeshop eating breakfast in the early morning felt really novel since i hadn't been up at such early hours since Christmas Eve. And the last time i ate breakfast at a coffeeshop in the morning was so long ago that the memory's vague. it was a friendly atmosphere, with all the patrons there being regulars and on familiar terms with the shopkeepers. it brought back my childhood memories of waking at 5am to accompany my dad to work when he used to tend the drink stall in some military canteen. the scents, the sights, the nostalgia of it all made me miss those childhood times.

walked around the whole AMK Central after breakfast, since it was way too early to head for school and going straight home will probably mean i'll sleep and wake up groggy and cranky. ended up walking into my secondary school, AMKSS. everything felt the same and yet different, familiar yet new. there were alot of surprising sights, like the student artworks hanging around that looked way professional compared to those of my times, and the pool table among other entertainment. of cause.. 6yrs have passed since i graduated from there.

headed to school before i can attend the flag raising ceremony. 2 tests todae. went to school, zoned out and took catnaps when i found myself alone. lost the usual calm. i am such a hypocrite and while i hate myself for it, i can't help behaving that way.

i dislike being coerced into anything. it's harsh but there are people who needs to learn not to politely request something of mi, put mi on a spot and expect mi to be happy about it. i will smile, i wouldn't allow the ripples across my surface, but i will loath. i acquiesce, but only because it is more hassle not to. do not thank me for things i felt i've been cornered into doing, and pretend that i've been generous because i wasn't sincere. i hate myself for smiling when i don't want to, the plastic mask that i put on in order not to inflict hurt. your assumptions stresses me, traps me, taxes me and leaves me feeling drained and hateful.

my unhappiness and distaste are more private than happiness. hate revealing my emotions for open speculation so people should just learn not to push it and leave mi with my poker face.

2008-03-28T04:14:00.002+08:00

up at this unearthly hour because a horror show has got me freaked. when i spent the whole show blastin my mp3 loud enough to break my eardrums while starin at my lap, i shouldn't be so paranoid. but damn. just knowing the storyline is enough for my crazy imagination.

2008-03-23T00:07:00.002+08:00

there is no forgiveness for this tainted self
the selfish sinner hiding in her shell
crushed and scraped, the indelible scars
the pain barely concealed under her masks

petals drifted on a sea of blood
the scalpel stained with her crimson hearts
she washes the days clean, one by one
but two haunt her in the dark

the nights grow long and the days grow cold
and we all grow old yet she does not change
the pain will be there like a loving shadow
for her, there is no escape.

2008-03-21T09:20:00.002+08:00

and maybe their hearts have strayed
with bodies close to slake the thirst
a matter of convenience.
and maybe there is no more love
she thinks it went out the door
into the wilderness.

2008-03-20T18:25:00.002+08:00

got a haircut todae. i look old. kinda miss the swinging feel of my previously longer hair. nw it's super layered n follows the shape of my head. shall pray for it to grow longer faster so dat it'll look softer. the cut is too sharp now and makes me look mean and rigid. it didn't look the way i had hoped but i can live with this.

tired, worried and frustrated.

2008-03-19T23:17:00.003+08:00

i think 1 thing i'm too damn good at is pissing people off, unintentionally. n then end up feeling hurt myself. -_-lll

the past few daes went by quite happily, though the specific reasons why have gotten hazy now. me and my bro went out for dinner together last night but ate by ourselves. he wanted fast food, which i was sick of. so he happily headed off to KFC by himself while i went to Ichiban Sushi at AMK Hub. it was so weird, sitting by myself n facing the sushi conveyor belt, where in the middle were the chefs putting the food together, facing all around. it was like trying to eat while avoiding eye-contact all around. but it's still preferable to sitting at a table by myself when it could have been better utilised.

so, he finished way early n refused to join me while i ate. headed to the supermarket to complete our grocery shopping mission. gosh! we bought alot of snacks. lolx.. there are japanese strawberry cookies, a whole packet of lollipops, 2 packs of wasabi flavoured seaweed and 1 box of wafer biscuits. -_-lll when i dun even snack dat much and he prefers potato chips. headed off to buy chocolate cake that my bro likes before heading home. and the reason why we are having so much fun going off by ourselves for dinner? Grannie's holidaying in Vietnam. my bro calls this week his week of paradise and absolute freedom coz he gets to decide all his meals, without nagging.

caught Step Up 2 The Streets today in Bugis after school. the female lead looked way hot in the poster, but just normal in the movie itself. the dancing was good, but i prefer Honey which featured Jessica Alba. maybe coz Honey was slicker, and eye candy always makes me happy.

toying with the idea of trimmin off some of my hair tomorow. mum gave my bro more money for his haircut than she gave for mine!!! =( so unfair.. *sobz* n she refused to cut mi an apple. at that, i told my bro i shall run away from home, to which he promptly bade me goodbye. i warrant no respect in this house.

highlight of the day: my secret. :p
mini highlight of the day: grape swirled vanilla soft ice cream for dinner. =)

tired.. lucky for the upcoming long weekend.

plastic candy . poison

2008-03-17T00:50:00.002+08:00

i don't understand why some people seem to hold a rather favourable impression of me when i feel otherwise. am i the harsh one? or do they see something that i can't.

is there anyone who knows me better than i know myself? if there is, i'll like to meet that person and find out more about this person that i can't, and maybe don't wanna, understand.

2008-03-15T23:19:00.002+08:00

just when i thought i could take it easier after midterms, i realised that there are still tons to be done.

swamped with deadlines and the stress of keeping up with all the modules, juggling textbooks in preparation for tests, assignments and deadlines to be completed and met.

self-taught myself a chapter of stats today, but it's definitely not fast enough. yet to start on the Eu Yan Sang management report, not that i have any inkling how to go about it. the weekly mgg test coming again, earlier than the past. ugc presentation plans are still up in the air, with a test that will probably come up soon. psy333, 2 (i think) long tedious chapters to read before its final test this sem.

life have gotten chaotic.

2008-03-11T22:21:00.002+08:00

the hated social loafer gabbing away during the staff photoshoot, where the colleagues couldn't stand her. lolx..

haaa.. this pic makes mi feel like slappin myself. but yay!!! the teacher complimented mi today during stats dat she liked my acting n thought it was good. i shld give up studying n runaway to stardom. :p

ugc midterms was gd. 81/100. woohhhooo!! n i passed stats, though datz hardly gd enuf. waiting for mgg and psy 333. *prays real hard*

2008-03-08T18:22:00.002+08:00

i don't think anyone would believe if i say i'm overworked. i won't believe it either. but i can't find other explanations for the semi-awake nites, the loss of appetite, the heaviness i feel in my limbs, the preying migraines and the escalating bouts of dizziness.

went to run some errands at AMK Central, that's just a short walk from my house. nw i'm nursing a migraine n my limbs felt too heavy to move on the walk home. had to concentrate to just move one feet before another n not fall over. feverish, pale. i look like a walkin corpse again. and i don't believe it's due solely to my period coz i don't get stuff like debilitating cramps.

this shell keeps gettin weaker with each passing year.

2008-03-08T11:29:00.002+08:00

kinda sentimental these few daes due to the monthly fluctuatin hormones.

its really great when people have worked together as a group, accomplished the task well, and had fun. it was smooth-going, productive and enjoyable. and its especially heartening when people can bring with them the positive memories even after the project has ended. because i think such chances are hard to come by.

=)

2008-03-08T09:47:00.002+08:00

n so this very hectic sch week is finally over. 2 days of almost careless relaxation before monday is needed. there'll be tests n research next week afterall.

the presentation yesterday went well. i acted as the social loafer teacher who did no work while the other colleagues had to bend over backwards to finish their work n mine. lolx.. think it was quite funnie. but since i had a migraine the whole yesterday due to a week of poor slp at nite, i was just blankin out the whole dae while the body auto-pilots itself.

went off early instead of stayin for ugc coz the head was hurtin too badly n i felt nauseous. got fed n pampered. =) slpt better durin the evenin nap than at nite. n so i slpt a sleep full of dreams from 11 til 9.30 todae. not exactly quality slp, but guess i made up to this useless body in terms of length.

n i can't resist mentionin dat.. YAY!! i can fit into size S nwadaes! the shirt n pencil skirt i bought were both size s n fitted well. n i saw some bunnies n hamsters yesterdae, along with a super humongous rabbit. it was bigger than cats!! n it looked black n old n cranky. gosh..

back to stoning..

2008-03-06T21:35:00.003+08:00

went to Far East after school today with Faith and Jia Yi to hunt for the perfect pencil skirt. itz a worthy investment coz i can wear it for the presentation tmr, as well as for any future occasions.

first time dat i went out shoppin with uni classmates. right time, right place so i grabbed the chance. it was fun. haven't had such carefree n female time in a long while. it was spontaneous n eye-opening. i shld do things like this more often, but there aren't much opportunities since i'm always gettin myself entangled with uncertain arrangements.

burnt a deep hole in the pocket todae. but it was worth it for the purchases, company n overall good time.

so itz playin teacher tmr. haaa.. uni life is just full of role-plays. :p

2008-03-05T21:25:00.002+08:00

in the play Romeo and Juliet, critics have marveled over the force of their pure love that led them to give up their lives for each other, despite their young age.

but, it's been thought that if the tragic couple had been left on their own devices, rather than face overwhelming obstructions, they might not have ended so tragically. what appears more unobtainable spurs more determination to obtain it. all those obstructions could have been what doomed them and sealed their fate. without it, the romance might have fizzled out, judgin from the common patterns of people at that young age. and it was those barriers that drew them closer, especially at that age of rebellion.

silence the voice that urge the casting of the final stone.

the classic question from Secret.

I love you. Do you love me?

2008-03-01T15:28:00.002+08:00

it takes just one second to hang up a phone. faster if pressing a button is all it takes.

hanging up signifies ending a conversation. with some, it takes long deliberation and alot of time. with some, it takes no consideration. with some, it signifies the beginning of the anticipation for the next phone call. for some, it is jubilant, a release.

two parties of one conversation might feel different spectrums of emotions. that seems to be the common pattern.

at the end of my patience, i'm out of words. they evaporate into voiceless frustrations with each ticking second, until there's nothing left. and yet the frustrations build, into a coiled force that begs for release but has none.

i have nothing more to say to you.

final words that should put an end to everything.

yet ultimatums have never meant much to anyone.

2008-02-29T18:30:00.003+08:00

familiarity breeds contempt. after all these years, i'm almost certain that distance keeps relationships beautiful.

all relationships.

in general, it seems that the closer people become, from strangers to more, the more flaws people see. and then the initial beauty fades, as the pictures become lined with cracks.

haa.. high cognitive dissonance leads to high emotional labor leads to burnout. i've read the story of someone askin another person "don't you ever feel lonely?". i feel sorry. but i'm burnt out.

itz weird when people take everything i utter rather seriously.. when most of this is just random insights. :p and i am extremely sensitive to mood shifts, even when i pretend that i'm not.

2008-02-27T23:36:00.004+08:00

Kenichi Matsuyama, actor of the character L in the Death Note movies and the spin-off -L Change the World.

i want the life-sized stand up poster of him from the vcd shop at Novena!!!!!!! i'll pledge my life to whoever gets it for me. lolx..

i'm told that i'm infatuated. hahaa.. i don't really mind being so. :p

2008-02-23T12:32:00.002+08:00

woke up the wrong side of bed. hair's flipped. everything's to the left todae. rubbed the wrong way. it's a day for nothing. hair runs through my fingers. like time. like you. like me. like us. there's nothing left. it's a shell. shackled by our hesitance. we r cowards. changes are long overdue. it's empty. all chained down. we are suppressed. by you. by me. by us. the past means little. increasingly so. the future's dim. mine. let us let go. run. fly. wind. be gone. there's nothing but emptiness left in this chain shackled shell.

2008-02-23T08:42:00.002+08:00

had 2 tests n 1 essay due yesterdae, after which, i met up with Manda in the evening after sch. i ate a crazy lot for dinner again n din feel full while she had like 5 plates of sushi n got filled up. bloated to be specific. -_-lll mayb i can start being addressed as the bottomless pit or sth.

walked around AMK Hub before walkin over the the Mos Burger at Jubilee for our usual session of chatting.

she bought a case for her makeup Collection. it can no longer be called set, or anything dat depicts only a few items, with a common use, grouped together. dat'll be an insult. i'm gettin kinda convinced dat she's tryin to start a COLLECTION of branded cosmetics and makeup tools. if i'm like a burglar, i'll probably decide datz where her fortune lies. lolx..

as for mi, i think i have too much cosmetic items dat i dun use. all those colours, unopened packages. it'll be gd if i can trade them for quality items dat i WILL use. coz right nw, wat i have is a mish-mash of cheap junk. lolx..

i dun get compulsive urges for cosmetics but i'm findin i have an insatiable desire for clothes n shoes. n my money juz got depleted again due to all the food. darn. if i can stop eatin, i'll probably save a tidy lil' fortune.

n i dun understand ppl who befriend u just to drift off later. i'm not exactly lackin in company so if they think itz some generous pity, they can just save it. i am not a charity case n dun appreciate being treated like one.

Kaiyan visited sch yesterdae n i totally cldn't recognise him at first glance. lolx.. but it was gd to see him, lookin *ahem* prosperous. :p

2008-02-21T20:21:00.002+08:00

n so, Manda told mi dat her diet plans have been constantly failin.. n i thought, hers can't possibly fail as gloriously as mine. :p

letz recall the big meals within these 2 weeks:

13th Feb: 2 consecutive plates of chicken rice in a single sitting for dinner. n yes, i ate meat along with the rice.

14th Feb: samples of Okinawan dishes, swiftly followed by a Portobello Mushroom Burger from Carl's Junior, for dinner.

18th Feb: 1 plate of mixed veggie rice consisting of a serving of steamed egg, a serving of tofu stirfry, a serving of fried fish fillet and rice topped with curry. desserts were a bowl of ice-jelly cocktail n a bowl of mixed glutinous rice balls. all for dinner again, one dish after another.

19th Feb: 1 and 1/2 plates of mixed veggie rice. so it was 1 and 1/2 servings of rice topped with curry, 1 n 1/2 servings of steamed egg, 1 serving of tofu stirfry and a serving of fried fish fillet again.

tonite's dinner: 1/2 bowl of rice, some meat, 6 veggie-filled rice cakes.

recallin all these nw n statin them out makes mi feel sick.

itz light meals frm tmr onwards!!!!

2008-02-21T16:12:00.002+08:00

rotting in my room, feelin very moody. attention span's too short to do much readin for my tests tmr. there's work to do n no motivation to do them, leadin to mi takin the easiest ways out.

1 and 1/2 chpts of readin more to go. 4 chpts to reread. 1 essay to edit. 1 interview to conduct. 0 motivation. 0 incentive to become motivated.

n i'm moody over sth dat i've decided and agreed with myself not to be bothered over. dat isn't worth broodin over. dat is essentially nth under normal circumstances except dat i'm bored n thus very finicky n harder-to-please than usual.

*chants "ignore the bad n reward the good"*

2008-02-16T23:35:00.002+08:00

there's someone who makes me smile, at nothing, at the silliest and smallest things, at the big things, at everything.

and i like the smiles i see, on the someone's face.

smiles are exchanged, even when words are not. and it makes everything in the world seems alright.

2008-02-15T20:21:00.002+08:00

so, Valentine's Day went alrite. not very eventful but still enjoyable. though i've learnt it is betta to go out with a bunch of ppl whose tastes r more similar. coz most of the Okinawan dishes that i tried didn't seem to suit me.

the money in my new atm card is depleting too fast for my comfort. time to take some drastic measures in saving up.

anyway, i was blur again todae. was right on time for the first time this semester for MGG150, and it ended up dat there was no class todae. after my efforts to make sure i get to class at 9am sharp!

my group presentation for UGC on KangXi went well, despite the key person in the grp being in Batam, presumably enjoyin an extended Valentine's Day celebration/trip. had some difficulties when tryin to print the notes for the whole class, but it was good overall since the teacher said we did a good job between the 2 of us. nw we juz need to flesh out the information into a full n proper essay by next friday. shldn't be too difficult.

so guess the presentation that went well was the highlight of the day. haaa.. this place is gettin boring as .. a history textbook. :p

2008-02-13T23:56:00.003+08:00

so, itz minutes to Valentine's Day n i'm havin one hell of a headache datz been lastin for hours, with no plans for tmr.

this shld teach mi not to have any expectations.

ah well.. so, life's not exactly kind. watz new? may everyone have an enjoyable dae.

2008-02-11T09:52:00.000+08:00

school starts again. i'm still driftin along in the holiday mood. lost the rhythm dat was set before the Chinese New Year break. now, i'm back to procrastinating everyday.

2008-02-07T22:26:00.000+08:00

XING NIAN KUAI LE! =)

todae's been kinda great, though it was tiring. woke at 7.30 so dat i can take my time preparing to head out for visiting at the 9am stipulated by Dad. woke at 7 but lazed around on the bed hopin i can get back to slp til my alarm goes off. as usual, the attempt to store up more energy and alertness failed since i couldn't get back to slp.

this yr's kinda more different frm the past few. more meaningful, though sayin that is readin too much into the whole happenings todae.

lotsa new additions to the family. n it seemed like onli yesterdae rather than 1yr ago dat we were runnin after an out-of control niece. this yr, she's all obedient n sweet.

gonna stone til i fall aslp. =) happy holidays!

2008-02-06T15:08:00.000+08:00

i want to go to places that you don't. i want to do things that you wouldn't.

because you do the things that you say i shouldn't. you say the things that i wouldn't.

this cage is bothersome. pacing it is tiresome.
i will run away, faster than you can catch, farther than you can reach.

and if i so desire it, you'll be powerless in stopping me.

2008-02-06T08:53:00.000+08:00

reportin at 8.54am. CNY Eve, 6th Feb:

everyone's up 'bright and early' todae. too much bustling around the house makes mi grumpy. i prefer to wake up to a quiet and tranquil house, not one where everyone's moving around bumpin into each other. just gimme some space til i wake up and get over the grouchiness.

bro claims he's been 'infected' by my vanity. wat infection?! think he's juz growin up n becomin more conscious of his appearance. datz sth natural isn't it? if it was an infection, he wld have been infected since he was born coz by 4yrs old, i was already vain n paintin the walls with red nailpolish. the stain is still there. bah... he's got a red spot due to some late nites n the chinese concept of heatiness, n he's vexing abt it n going visiting with it. he shld noe his wonderful n talented sis can always cover it up for him if it doesn't heal in time. :p

nw dat CNY is so near, i'm feelin jaded abt it. lolx.. hard to please. nw i hate the dress i bought. the shoes i bought. seems like there are a million things i haven't done or prepared. i'm still sittin here beddraggled n grumpy..

n i'm still debatin whether to get hamsters, bunnies, or none at all. i bet the price of hamsters have gone up due to this being Rat year.

2008-02-02T21:57:00.000+08:00

losing faith, losing hope, losing confidence, losing the will to carry on. i'm at the end of the tightrope. i can't go on, i don't wanna go on. let mi fall, n let mi die.

the unconditional love in this world is probably only found between parents and their children. n even that is not a certainty.

this feeling of being inadequate will probably never go away. ppl need physical evidence to be convinced of others' qualities. i have neither the papers, nor the face.

all people see when they look at mi, is someone who'll try to smile all her troubles away.

2008-02-01T19:05:00.000+08:00

was too lazy to study for my 2 tests todae. but it was good in a way coz not studying meant i wasn't stressed abt whether i'll do as well as i hope, and allowed mi to sleep relatively well. the sacrifices i'll make for a good night's slp..

the first test was marked on the spot through peer-editting. that sounds so primary-school-ish. haaa... got it back n had a 17/20. not too bad for someone who was stonin in class n onli vaguely skimmed thru the chapter in her classmate's txtbk 1hr before the paper during class, within 10mins. lolx.. either Lady Luck still loves me, or i've got superior logic and common sense. yay!!

finished the 2nd test in 15mins out of the 45mins allocated. muahahahhaaaa... Stat's easy so far.

todae's a not-too-bad dae, besides the fact that itz a Friday night and i'm stuck home. dozed off on the way home on the super cold bus, which probably means i'm not up for going-out anyway. energy running low despite the cheerful and easy-going facade put up everydae. or maybe it is BECAUSE OF it.

starting to look forward to CNY, with the lively atmosphere n family gatherings. i'm a sucker for lively atmospheres.

2008-01-29T08:16:00.000+08:00

tired.. trainin myself to wake n slp early to fit the demands of sch. nw i've juz gotten up but i'm still yawnin my head off from lack of sufficient slp.

desperately broke. i think i need to start savin up like RIGHT NOW, startin from zero.

itz quite amazing how i can pass thru daes being literally penniless.

2008-01-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

school's been keepin me busy. been attending my lessons n doing my work like a good lil' girl. hopin i'll stick to it through this sem.

listenin to moody blues. not in the mood for conversation, just want to be alone. n yet, i don't want to be. i'm greedy. i want everything and nothing much at all.

i don't need 'i love you's as much as i want to be the only one in those eyes. the only voice through those ears, the only one in that mind.

and i hate you.

2008-01-20T10:25:00.000+08:00

stayed up til 3.30am waiting up for my bro to get home from work. feeling really stoned nw with face all white n ghostly. but i figured since he's such a nice lil' bro who understands everything there is abt mi n my personality, itz worth doin almost anything for him.

had company over msn throughout the nite, who kept my bad moods outside the door when it all threatened to errupt, while entertainin mi through the nite so that i cld stay up long enuf to wait up for my bro. i'm surrounded by good people whom i'm glad i've gotten to know in my life, whether or not they will be with me forever or not. they help keep me good, betta than i would be without them.

there were also disappointments last nite, but ever since my 2007 resolution to be happie, i've decided they shld simply be shelved away if possible n forgotten, rather than dwelled over. so far, the strategy is still holdin up quite well. haaa.. so for those hopin for an emo (more interesting?) post, TOO BAD! lolx.. :p

anyway, i was wonderin whether people feel happier knowing there's someone waiting up for them at home, or will it be a source of added stress. coz i noe dat wat seems like added effort can be translated into higher expectations for some, n become a burden rather than a simple gesture of care n love that it was meant to be.

i've always felt a burden when some people whom i noe were being extra nice to mi. i guess i'm aware that there will be the expectation of reciprocation and i hate being bound to tenuous ties like dat which seems enforced upon mi due to human nature, as well as my personality and values. there r very few people towards whom i wouldn't feel that way, and that is becoz these people r people who'd never asked anything more of mi n simply accepted what i had n could offer. it'd be greedy to ask for more people like dat around me, n i think just havin these couple of people are enough.

afterall, scarcity helps mi be more appreciative of their presence. =)

.+.*heart of intrigue*.+.