the sacrifices i make for one research paper..

woke up early this mornin, coz i decided if i'm gonna do my work, a headstart on the dae wld be gd.. -_-lll

woke up, generated a few ideas n decided dat it was time to go to AMK library for the book sources dat i sorely needed..

by the time i was ready to go out, the sun was at itz highest, n i hesitated.. but i still walked there, since i've got no time to waste anymore..

saw Marcus when i walked past Pizza Hut.. hahahah.. wasn't too sure it was him initially, til i took a close second look. as much as i wld like to sae we did abit of catchin up, we din.. oopz.. coz i continued walkin to the library..

by den, my arms were all pink frm the sunlight!! i swear my skin's becomin extremely sun sensitive.. =( n i was fearin gettin dark!

got to the library n tried the search.. went to find the bks.. freakin heavy!! wanted to photocopy onli pages i'll need, but since i have no cash card, i cldn't.. borrowed 3 heavy tomes of them, n walked home..

the sun at 2pm sucks.. it was very hot n bright.. harsh! walked under the blisterin heat n when i was nearin home, with juz one tiny road to cross, the heel of my sandal got caught in a slit in the pavement n my sandal strap snapped! omg.. my NUM sandals!!!!!*cries* =(

in the end, due to the hot weather, i decided dat gettin out of the sun asap was more impt than draggin my feet, tryin to walk in the sandals.. so, i took them off n crossed the road barefooted..

see!!! teacher better give mi an A.. the trials n tribulations.. *haiz*
CaT cat purred at 2:30 PM
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sometimes, i wonder y i still foolishly hope. i think i can see the end loomin near.. it sucks.. it hurts.

i think i'm a damn fool for thinkin i can rely on others, wishin i can rely on others, thinkin there's someone i can rely on. there's nobody.. how many more times do i need dat fact slap mi in the face before i can wake n see dat there's nobody?

all i wish for, is for someone who's always there, who'll be strong for mi when i feel weak, who'll let mi cry n hold mi close when i'm down. someone i can depend on..

disappointment. heartbreak. denial. hope.

hope dies. n i shall cry myself to slp tonite.

ultimately, i'm still alone.
CaT cat purred at 1:48 AM

i'm tired n totally stressed up.. look like a wreck, feel like one too. think i'm fallin sick, frm all the late nites, insufficient slp n stress. my body's totally messed up. i think itz onli a matter of time before it fails mi n start malfunctionin..

but i can't slp.. adrenaline's runnin, body refuses to slack. yet my mind can't seem to cooperate n channel all this energy, albeit nervous, into doin somethin productive, like my research paper.

plagiarism= 71%.. wtf..

i noe i've promised not to scold the f-word.. condone mi for once..

feelin destructive.. i feel like lashin out at someone, something, but i'm tryin to rein it in.. hollow laughter, fake smiles, deliberately bein difficult.. watz wrong with mi?!

i'm a selfish spoilt brat, who takes joy in manipulatin feelins.. i act the innocent, the wounded, pilin guilt on others. i'm a conceited biatch, who thinks abt no one else but herself.

dun tell mi to take care. dun tell mi to cheer up. dun tell mi u...... haiz..

life feels meaningless sometimes.. dismal n grey.

hate mi.. this is who i am. when the mask is dwn, this is all datz left.

CaT cat purred at 12:56 AM
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have you ever...

felt like someone's torn a hole in ur heart...

felt so hurt, u can't seem to breathe...

felt so upset, it befuddles all ur senses...

felt unloved?


CaT cat purred at 4:02 AM
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i hate research papers..



ANYONE KNOW OF ANY GD WEBBIES OR PROGRAMMES DAT PROVIDE CHECKIN FOR PLAGIARISM????!!!!!!!!! hopefully f.o.c, n easily accessible...

PLS TELL MI IF U NOE!!!!


*sobz*
CaT cat purred at 10:50 PM
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todae was a gd dae!! =)

everything went smoothly!!

enjoyed todae. despite the nerves, all went well. tirin but fun, n i wun mind doin it again..


hhhaahaaa.. all this sounds rather cryptic. but i will not elaborate. :p

------------

oh!! i slpt at 4+am last "nite", grapplin with my presentation stuff. as expected, i cldn't wake at the 6am i shld.. i rmb wakin n settin the alarm to 7 instead.. well.. guess wat? i woke up at 9+, with no recollection of havin ever woken to switch off the alarm at 7am.. -_-lll n the reason y i woke at 9, when usually, i'll wake much later?

coz i was dreamin of skool stuff, of kayee n jillian n who noes who else.. n the thought flashed to mind, wonderin when my presentation was due. n i woke up with a rude shock at dat..

see how stressed i am?!! either consciously or subconciously..

gosh.. i've given up bein in denial abt mi bein stressed.. or rather, i've finally managed to recognise it in myself.. hahahhahah.. i'm nutz! :p


----------

rite.. i've come to realise dat i'm not dat much different in real life than online.. which is gd.. coz i've always wondered if ppl will find my pics, or online personality, "deceivin" etc..

one of the greatest fears i have is that of people thinkin i'm someone that i am not. coz their perception of mi tend to be positive most of the time, but i think dat in actuality, i'm not dat way, n i dun think i'll be able to live up to their perceptions of mi, high expectations.

i tend to vary my personality, dependin on the person's perception of mi.. guess itz abit like sculptin myself into how they imagined i will be.. odd.. think itz a subconcious way of always tryin to put myself in the best possible light ever? to shine, to attract, to hold. but though datz the case, i will hate the idea of people thinkin i've been misleadin them in the way i portray myself, coz i'm always bein who i am, mayb onli parts of my "whole" personality, but otherwise still true n real. i am who i am, there's no deception. i can accept dat people dun noe the "whole" of mi, and onli see different facets, but i dun like the idea dat i might have deceived, when i'm juz bein part of who i am..

different facets surfaces under different situations, datz my pt of view.

oh well.. n datz my deep thought for tonite.. n shld anyone think dat this is directed at anyone, actually these musings r merely wat went thru my mind at the moment as i wondered how ppl might see mi, when frm a third person's pt of view.. inner workins of my mind.. hahaha.. can serve as clarification abt my character, for those who feel they dun understand mi. simple, yet complex.. hmmm.. "intellectual" conversations with myself. =)




CaT cat purred at 11:59 PM
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rite... been meanin to put up this post for some time... i'm steadyin myself for the screams dat'll come my way, directed at mi by...................................


.....................




................................




..............................................




.................................................................




TADAA!!!!!!!!


(before adjustin the brightness of my hp's camera)




moi masterpiece!! :p


LO N BEHOLD!!! JILLIAN CLAIRE LIM JING JING!!!!!!!!




*run away n hide*


(this post is in pink as Ms Jing Jing is rather partial to the colour.. i'm hopin it'll appease her, such dat she wun kill mi with her screams, so dat i may live, n in time, post up the other pics i have of her!!! :p heeheee..)

CaT cat purred at 6:59 PM
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HAPPIE BDAE TO MUMMY!! =)

rite.. not like she reads my blog.. but nvm..

feelin rather dazed nw.. tired frm lack of sufficient slp..

went to skool todae.. den waited for Jia Jia (ky) n Jing Jing (jill) after skool, n we headed to IMM's Daiso.. was hopin i'll find a pressie there for mummy.. but din.. -_-lll

rushed home on the train with Jing Jing after dat.. hahaha.. both of us were tired n hot n bothered coz of the relentless sun.. den, when i was reachin amk, it started pourin... wth.. we prayed for rain, but it fell at the wrong time!!!

so, i waited at amk mrt for my dad to pick mi up coz the rain was too heavy for mi to walk home by myself.. waited at the taxi stand n started feelin cold.. brrr.. finally he came, with my mummy n grannie in the car too.. we thus headed down the the coffeeshop.

COFFEESHOP??!!!

ya.. coffeeshop.. there was this stall datz famous for itz seafood.. apparently my dad did some researchin first before decidin to bring us there..=) awww.. so sweet to mummy..

the coffeeshop was kinda dirty.. there were cockroaches!!! arrrggghhh.. den since it was stormin, the floors were all wet n "puddly", n my jacket accidentally dropped onto the floor!! saded... *sobz*.. super unlucky..

but the food was alrite.. heehee... the rice vermicili with crab (in soup) was the nicest.. den there was the chicken stewed in herbs, abalone, veggie, limpets n blah.. juz dat dish cost $118, due to all the expensive ingredients used.. we also had stir-fired xiao bai cai (veggie).. n chilli crab.. the crab claws were reallie meaty!! whahahhahaa... though i dun like dirtyin my hands.. :p felt abit embarrassed though.. coz itz mummy's bdae n yet she had to prepare the food for mi, such as gettin the chicken without the bones, servin mi the soup, helpin mi de-shell the crab.. ooopz.. mummy's nice!! everyone in my family's nice!! =) with the sole exception of mi.. heehee..

19yrs old n still can't get food by myself.. gosh.. pampered kid.. -_-lll

the dinner cost abt 200, den dad sent us home n headed to work.. mummy even de-skinned n cubed oranges for mi.. arrrgghh.. guilty.. x_x

was dozin off before dinner, after dinner, while removin makeup, after shower.. can tell how tired i am huh? hahaha... i can't believe i can actually doze off while sittin in front of the mirror, removin my makeup.. gosh.. n itz quite shockin n scary to wake up suddenly n den see my own reflection..

n thanx to Jing Jing for lettin mi read her storybk todae, when i was bored.. =) heee.. i shall not write the scandals abt u.. juz stop callin mi Bin Bin.. datz reserved by mi for my bro.. :p i am not Catherine Tan Bin Bin.. -_-lll Jillian Claire Lim Jing Pei.. *bleahz*



for u peeps' info, my bro's called Eugene Tan Jun Ping, n i've called him Bing Bing since we were kids.. Jing Jing calls mi Bin Bin, coz she probably saw my bro's no saved under this name in my phonebk, n decided dat it suits mi.. -_-lll


CaT cat purred at 10:35 PM
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walked home cryin, alone, after dinner.

sat at the playground cryin, alone.

not once did u ask how i was feelin.

not once did u try to make mi feel better.

these daes, the past few, todae.


u wan mi to feign amnesia?

u left.


if i did as u did, let u walk off while i went my own way, i wonder wat u'll do.

but i've always come runnin eventually.


u dun.


disappointment again n again.

hopes crashed n burnt.


behave like everything was normal after?

u expect mi to forget juz like dat?

how can i?


u let mi walk the streets alone, cryin.

no comfort delivered.

only words meant to sting.


ur role was to be my shield frm hurt, from whom i seek solace.

u dun. u hurt.

such is irony.


when i was cryin n hurtin, where were u?

did u care?

did u worry?


i'm almost positive the answer is a negative.


CaT cat purred at 11:31 PM
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i promised myself i wun cry anymore.


waitin was for naught. hurtin was for naught.

one can get tired frm bein brushed off again n again. no tenderness there.

n the words hurt, but there was no care.

i can't not care, the way u do. i'm not as cold.


makin a big fuss? put urself in my shoes n see how u feel..

hope is a bleak illusion meant for delusional ppl.. juz too bad for mi dat i'm one of them.



fuck it. i broke my promise to myself.



n u noe wat the worse thing is ultimately?

u feel self-justified, n there are no apologies or regrets on ur part..
CaT cat purred at 1:20 AM
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i realise i dun like watchin concerts. i dun like the sense of emptiness dat comes after it has ended, the stark realisation dat all things come to an end sooner or later. n the excitement n anticipation before n durin the show emphasizes the encroachin silence and wistfulness after.

mayb datz y i dun like gatherings. when it has all come to an end, i'm alone again. n the contrast with before, makes the loneliness more unbearable.


anyway, i seem to have successfully disfigured myself once again, thanx to my extremely itchy fingers.. excessive bleedin.. ugh. manda, can u pls give mi a gd scoldin for dat?

n i figure dat the best way to clear pores is to perspire. u noe, cleansin it frm inside out.. so, can anyone, pretty please, tell mi a way of makin my cheeks perspire?! i wan to have smooth, glowin, apple-cheeks!!! *sobz* i need miracles.. =(
CaT cat purred at 10:28 PM

i wasn't put on this earth for u to hang up on as n when u please.
CaT cat purred at 4:58 PM
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Tired. been tryin to meet my academic demands, doin my part n more, fillin in for others. i've sorta had enuf of it. sick.

came home n did some of my work.. was drained by the time i got home.. laid my head down for awhile, n dozed off in front of my com, with the file on the screen.

i reallie wanna snap. n i feel like disappearin. holdin it all in, afraid dat i'll snap at innocent ppl who doesn't deserve it. been feelin reallie fed up these few daes. there r reasons of coz.. n i'm juz waitin to see how far all this nonsense will go, how far my tolerance can be stretched, before n i finally snap n lash out.

i guess i've seen the people for who n how they reallie are.
CaT cat purred at 10:40 PM
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i dun like..

i dun like people who use excuses for their negligence.. "oh, i cldn't.. blah blah blah...." when u din try at all, juz doesn't cut it.

i dun like people who take on others' work when they can't even accomplish their own. tryin to be nice when u r already in over ur head? itz juz inconceivable how u can help others when u can't even help urself.

i dun like people who neglect the demands on others when they make decisions to favor themselves. the world doesn't juz revolve around u, so mayb u can learn to seek common approval first?

i dun like people who sae "oh, i can't do this coz i have something more crucial", n den end up not doin either. n the worse thing is, u pushed the work to someone else.

i dun like pushers.

i dun like people who indulge in so much self pity dat they lose themselves in it, n get convinced dat they reallie are dat pathetic. keep wallowin n u'll never get out of it. isn't takin a positive course of action to pick urself up more productive? sure. u can wallow, but for how long? if u dun even wanna pick urself up, y shld others?

i dun like people who think they are worthless when they were the ones who made it dat way. same as above. y dun u pull ur weight around n start makin urself worth somethin den? if u dun even value urself, how can others do so?

i dun like people who dun treasure themselves. if u dun even treasure urself, i'm not surprised den dat people can pick u up n dump u down as n when they like.

-------

i like..

i like people who noe how to stand up for themselves.

i like people who noe when to wake up, cut their losses, n move on.

i like people who try.

i like people who can admit their mistakes and faults.

i like people who dun shirk responsibility or duties.

i like people who mean wat they sae.

i like people who respect n treasure themselves.

i like people who take the welfare of others into consideration.

i like people who can face up to themselves.

------

at the end of it all, the qn is, can u face up to urself? reality is harsh, seein ur own faults is harsh. but can u accept it? throw excuses and pretences aside. when everything is stripped raw, when the facts r left to stand upon themselves, can u face up to it?


i'm imperfect, n i slip at times.

i noe my own flaws. i noe them all too well.


But i try, n noe dat i can face up to myself.


Can u?
CaT cat purred at 3:46 PM
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update..


was at home yesterdae, readin trashy romances n worryin abt my research paper.. have no idea how to start on it, how to go abt doin it, n whether the topic i chose is do-able at all.. =( woe is mi..

met him in the evenin todae.. he came over after soccer n a quick shower, n den we headed out for dinner.. pizza hut.. they are havin some promotion thingy for this lava-somethin pizza.. ughh.. it wasn't dat nice n i kinda regretted goin there coz was reallie sick frm it.. think i'm gonna go into detox for a few daes. i should. ugh.. feel so disgusted with myself since i've been eatin a lot of junk.. wat happened to healthy n nutritious food like good ole' veggie n fruits? x_x i feel so unhealthy n toxic..

went to walk around before headin for the playground dwnstairs.. sat there n chatted before i headed up..


i have a naggin worry for my mum.. n my UGC research paper.. can someone pls enlighten mi on how to go abt doin it?!! i think i need a topic with a rather specific scope n dat i noe abt n can handle... =(
CaT cat purred at 11:40 PM
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wat is the significance of a recurrin nitemare?

does it mean dat u reallie, reallie, reallie dread wat happened in the dream?

or is it a premonition of something dat will happen?


anyway, mi n bro accompanied my mum to our flat in Sembawang.. our "old-new flat".. old as in, we've already had it for a few yrs, new coz we haven't, n dun live there.. -_-lll hmmm.. my bro is growin up to be some sort of gentleman.. which is gd.. =) helped to carry the heavier bags of stuff we bought, on his own accord. n when my mum's carryin the lighter bag, n him the lightest, he automatically switched bags with my mum.. yep! he's definitely shapin up..

saw someone frm the past there.. rite.. sec skoolmate who lived in the nxt block.. was shocked.. n i was makeup-less n looked very extremely deathly!! arrggghhh... no wonder i had a bad feelin abt goin there, some sort of premonition dat i'll meet someone i noe..


i'm worried abt my parents.. mummy especially.. dad thinks she's been actin weird.. n i'm startin to get the same feelin too.. her bright spirits seems feigned, n she's been a tad to mild tempered these few daes.. i keep havin the naggin suspicion dat she's worried n somehow sad.. such emotions scares mi, especially when comin frm others.. i'm helpless in the face of it..
CaT cat purred at 11:56 PM
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did 2 things todae dat i've never done before.. one, i might consider doin again. the other, never!! not even if my life depended on it..


i hate ulcers.. =( been dousin myself with water, honey water, almond water, salt water yada yada.. all i can sae is, itz a persistent lil' thing dat refuses to roll over n juz die..

wateva... he came over todae n we went for dinner at the coffeeshops near my block.. hahahhaa... despite my mum tellin him not to let mi eat anythin heaty, we ate laksa.. :p it was followed with black pepper beef, sweet n sour fish slices, as well as oatmeal prawns.. =) nice!!!


n i peeled prawns with my bare hands for the first time todae!! usually do it with my eatin utensils or wait for mummy dearest, but dinner was with him n the oatmeal will tend to fly everywhere.. so, this is the one thing dat i did todae, for the first time.


n the 2nd significant thing dat i did todae, dat i wun ever repeat even if my life depended on it, is to put salt on my ulcer.. juz a dab n the pain sunk in a split second later... worse than i can ever imagine... n it din even reallie seem to work.. was walkin around my house screamin... -_-lll



n datz all for todae, a slice of my extremely mundane n borin lil' life..
CaT cat purred at 10:17 PM
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Halloween dinner at Marche last nite was super fun.. =) din take alot of pics though, despite dat the rest of them were snappin away..

the bunch of us attracted alot of attention everywhere we went.. think my coursemates scared quite a number of kids last nite.. they had reallie fantastic costumes, well, at least most of them.. could see dat they put attention n effort into it n it was great! =) after the dinner, most of them headed to Zouk, while i went over to Cine to meet him.. wasn't allowed to go club.. :p

hmmm.. waitin for them to send mi the pics of last nite.. in the meanwhile, i'll juz post up my costume.. punk goth.. victorian inspired top, corset, checkered skirt, black stockings n heels.. complete with black organza ribbons on my hand, crimson nails n smoky eyes.. -_-lll




full body shot..





caught between whether to smile or not.. -_-lll ended up with a weird expression..



no dilemma here.. =) mi n my darlin photographer..
CaT cat purred at 10:21 PM
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